Definition of Infertility: If getting pregnant has been a challenge for you and your partner, you're not alone. Ten to 15 percent of couples in the United States are infertile. Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected sex for at least a year.
www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310

This is the story of 2 couples, 1 infertile and 1 fertile, and our journey of hope towards the greatest gift that can be bestowed upon any person: the gift of life. Though we are just beginning the process, our goal is simply to share our experiences and emotions along the way and our hope is that this story might bring comfort, courage, or simply answers to other people who have found themselves at what once was seemingly a dead end.

What makes us different than so many stories is, we are neither family nor strangers. Our friendship lately has been a long distance one. I always found it interesting that friendship are one of the few relationships that can survive distance. Boyfriends, girlfriends, married people, even family can fall victim to physical distance. We have not.

Friendship, like any relationship, is a give and take. Like the dipping and rising of waves you remain connected. Kelly and her entire family are giving us the greatest gift, even if it doesn't work, that gift will never be tarnished or less cherished.

This blog is not for the faint of heart. It will be raw and honest as this is a challenging process. We hope our sense of humor does not offend you; if it does we won't be hurt that you don't come back to visit, but we do hope that you take something away. Please be forgiving of our grammar and spelling as there will be times that our writing will be a release of intense emotion.

We hope you enjoy, find what you need, and come back for more!

*NOTE: This blog was started in January 2010 - the very, very beginning of our process. The first preliminary/counseling appointments are scheduled but have not happened yet. Kelly has yet to get medical clearance. The purpose of starting from this point is to detail the emotions and experiences of every little step. *

Genetic Material Mama's Story

The Boring Stuff:

My name is Katy, and I am half of the genetic material. (Or the "intended parent" if you want to get brushed up on your legal/medical jargon.) I am a 29 year old Michigander. I've been married for about 7 years to a great man named Matt.

Meeting My Future Baby Mama (is that supposed to be hyphenated?):

I met Kelly when I was hired on as a stylist in a mid-level salon. Soon after we became friends. She understood my sense of humor and wasn't put off my sometimes-lack-of-tact, and she wasn't afraid to tell me when I was saying something, um, unpalatable. I enjoyed the company of her and her husband and later her two amazing children.

As I watched Kelly progress through her first pregnancy it was as if I was watching what I would be like because we were so similar in a lot of ways. She took care of herself and had a supportive husband as well (shout out to the Baby Daddy here). Though if I remember correctly, she complained a lot less than I would have. I was not present for either births but Kelly remarked that they were mostly uneventful.

The Struggle:
By the time of the birth of her second child, a girl, my husband and I were aware of our struggle to conceive. Each month was a fresh slap in the face. I always felt it was ironic that there was blood involved because the wound in my heart felt that deep. Of course, everyone around us announced the expectancy of their own baby and it hurt terribly every time. Then the guilt followed for not being fully happy for them.

In June (I am uncertain of the year exactly, 2005 or 2006?), a few days before I was going to call the specialist, I had a late period which was not unusual for me but I took a test and it was positive. It was in the morning after I showered and in my towel I sank to the floor. I was stunned. The lines were bright and tears poured from my eyes. I heard my husband stir for his own morning routine and quickly pulled myself together. I hid the test. I wanted to tell him in some special way - not while in the back of his mind he was thinking he had to poop. I got ready in record time and left the house with my hair still wet and pee stick in hand. I could hardly stand it. I felt as though I was going to burst! Later I did burst but in a decidedly different way.

Maybe 3 weeks later I took another test. I'm not certain why. I think I wanted to see those lines pulsing at me like a neon sign again. This time there was only one line. The Control Line they call it. I called the doctor immediately and they drew blood and did a urine test, both were negative. They had told me not only was it negative, but I was never pregnant. It was a false positive. "But the stick said positive!" I shouted and thrust it at her. I had brought it with me. It was proof damn it! The stick lied. My mind whirled. How could it lie? It's job is truth. It's chemicals for Christ sake! It's science. It's fact. It is or it isn't. Not a lie. But science is apparently a fickle bitch when relied upon. I left the office in tears and dry heaved while holding onto my car.

My husband and I spent the next few days crying every whip-stitch. We had not done the wait-until-the-first-trimester-is-over-to-tell-everyone thing. Everyone close to us knew our story and struggle. We were too excited to hold back. I felt guilty for that. I felt that that lying stick had made me a liar too. I was utterly embarrassed and felt like a real fool.

Welcome To Infertility. Here is Your Complimentary Bag of New Shit to Deal With (oh, and tissues):

We went through the whole variety of tests, the most interesting being the Post Coital test. There really is nothing like scheduled sex to really heighten the romance. Then, you get to walk into the doctors office right after feeling like you have FORNICATOR written on your forehead. I was surprised at this point that they didn't ask, "So how was it". *TMI Alert* So they get us settled in the room and I, uh, assume the position and they check how many of his soldiers made it across the terrain, which is to say, next to none. In this procedure they were to check my cervical fluid, which apparently is supposed to be the consistency of egg whites. The nurse laughs and says, "well, I can already tell you this is not going to work for you. It's like rubber cement." Usually they analyze it, but that was just redundant after this.

We continued on to IUI's (Inter Uterine Insemination) and then to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and then to FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). The IUI's weren't so bad but the IVF and FET's were fraught with emotion and failure. Between the injections and other medications it was impossible not to have the experience run our life. Every thing was timed. We had to plan our days around our injections or pills. I had to leave work early or receive injections in the car. We had to find out what the policy was on bringing needles into a concert. My husband gave me almost all the injections. I knew it was hard for him to inflict pain on me each time. I could see it in his eyes. The injections left bruises and left me sore at the injection site. It wasn't pure hell but it was extremely difficult.

That's me! The oven!

My name is Kelly and I am the gestational carrier-to-be. I really hate that name. Surrogate is even a little weird to me. I don't know what the right name/term is - but I'm sure I'll find it before this is all over. Or maybe not. Who am I? Why am I doing this?

I am 32 years old, married to the love of my life (who also happens to be the best man and husband that has ever been), and a mom of two beautiful amazing children. My son is 5 and my daughter is 4, and yes, I am the genetic parent and gestational carrier for each of them. That is exactly why I am here.

My husband and I are living our fairy tale and while we may do things the hard way, everything has worked out exactly as we have wanted and hoped for. Even the unplanned, unseen things have been welcomed, life changing and defining moments for our family. We have much to be grateful for, try not to take anything for granted, and we live for today.

When we decided we were ready to start a family we were both lucky and blessed. We were pregnant on the first try with each child and we had no complications throughout either pregnancy. Prior to starting to try I had an appointment with my OB/GYN to have my IUD removed, discuss getting pregnant and start prenatals. During my pelvic, prior to removing the IUD, my doc remarked "You've got great hips! Oh, ya, you were made for having babies."

I have never forgotten that. If I have been given this body that handles pregnancy so well, why wouldn't I be a part of this opportunity to help our friends? By no means was this decision taken lightly by me or my husband. If he were not 100% supportive we would not be here. Obviously having kids the ages we do makes the decision more complicated and delicate. After much consideration and debate we decided that we could not withhold what we could potentially offer. This is not a sacrifice to me. This just is. Beyond the complicated facade it is very simple: We have these amazing, beautiful, ridiculously funny and loving friends who we know would do anything for us. So their oven's broken. No problem! They can borrow ours!


Little Wonders

For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben

Friday, June 11

Nothing too exciting...just frustration and complaining.

I'm 3 shots in and so far so good.  The day after the first one I could really feel my ovaries similar to my normal cycle but much more exaggerated and on both sides - where normally I only really feel one side.  I was in super-@itch mode most of the day and was worried the shot was giving me similar emotional PMS reactions but now I don't think so.  Today I haven't noticed anything physical - even from the injection sites. 

The further in my cycle days we get the more loose ends there seem to be that need to be tied up.  And as much as we were bombarded with information between our first two appointments, there sure does seem to be a lot of information that was left out.  Or information that should have been given right off the bat.
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Posted by Kelly at 8:26 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 9

Officially Preheating (is that one word?)

First shot went in tonight.  I had a little anxiety because it has to be done right during our evening rush hour (6p-8p) and I wasn't sure how we would handle it with the kids around.  I figured the first time would be very clumsy and take time.  Thank God for small favors because the only 5 minutes all night the kids were distracted away from us was at the exact time we needed it to be.  The shot was not bad.  At all.  Actually the discomfort/burn after is worse than the poke.  Kudos to Ben for being a good poker ;-)  Hee-Hee-Hee.  (Sorry, I couldn't pass up the opportunity for some junior high immature humor there.)  It was really so painless and simple that I'm thinking I'll be able to just do them myself from here on out.  But we'll see.  And Katy is RIGHT:  the smell is awful and it hits pretty quick.  But what she didn't mention (most likely because she assumed she was nuts or hallucinating) was that it somehow penetrates and has a "taste" on your lips.  It was so weird.  Really weird.  It was like putting on a rotten chapstick that you can smell and taste.  I was relieved that she had the same experience with it.  But I'll be prepared tomorrow and have something to drink ready to chase the shot with - something with a lot of acid, Coke, Mt. Dew or red wine....wine has a lot of acid right - that might work the best ;-)  If anyone is interested in seeing this shot or how it gets injected (or really has no life and nothing better to do with their time) I've put the link below.  So, grab your popcorn, sit back and enjoy!  (On the bottom of the page click "Free Injection Training" and then select the option on the left for "Gonal-f RFF Pen")

http://www.fertilitycentermi.com/
Posted by Kelly at 6:32 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, June 8

All Systems Go! Well - for this step....

Just a quick update....I had my ultrasound this morning just to check out my uterus and ovaries.  Basically just to measure my uterine lining, ovaries, count my follicles (7 on one side, 6 on the other.  I know - exciting isn't it?!) and to "make sure there's nothing there" - as the US tech put it.  I said "there better not be!"  But since me, Ben, Katy and Matt previously discussed that regardless of who's genetics come out after 40 weeks - it's leaving with them, I wasn't concerned if there had been anything there.  But seriously - "nothing" referred to cysts.  Apparently the FSH shot can cause the cysts to become larger, or get bigger.  Anyways - nothing there but a welcoming little environment just waiting for something to nurture.  So - the shots start tomorrow night and then Monday morning I will have my next US and a blood draw.  Those 2 things, I believe, will tell us if I need more shots and/or the transfer date.  Moving along....
Posted by Kelly at 6:34 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 7

"I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty I've got whozits and whatzits galore (You want thingamabobs? I got twenty)"

Yes - those were almost the exact words that danced through my head as I spread all my info and meds out over my entire living room floor last Friday night in a panic.  Why panic?  Panic was set off because I initially I couldn't find my bag that had all the directions and schedules in it - the play book to put it bluntly and because I'm a procrastinator and, as Katy has mentioned, this is all very time sensitive - allowing almost no room for error.  Plus this is not my investment to screw up!  All last week I knew my period would be coming and knew I should get out the schedule and the meds and make sure that everything was clear so I would have everything semi-mapped out in my head.  But I didn't so I ended up running around like a chicken with my head cut off thinking "They're trusting me to carry a child and I lost the directions before we've even started!  Great!"  I reassured myself with "Well....you get what you pay for!"

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Posted by Kelly at 5:50 PM 0 comments
So take a deep breath and here we go....  Kelly let me know her period came a knockin' on Saturday.  The first "Cycle Day" (CD) is always a big one.  After many calls and voice mails, we finally spoke to someone so we could schedule an ultra sound (US) for tomorrow.  Every single element of this is time sensitive and it was extremely frustrating, to put it mildly, to keep hitting a brick wall when trying to get this scheduled.  Not only does Kelly need a US on CD5, she also has to start her Folical Stimulating Hormone shots (FSH).  Even the injections are timed!

The good news is that The Fertility Center has opened an office in Sparrow Hospital in East Lansing.  This means that Kelly won't have to drive all the way to Grand Rapids for her ultrasounds and estridol testing (E2(Sick of all the abbreviation yet?)), which is a simple blood draw.  These have to be done every two to three days toward the end of the procedure.  So, it will be nice to save her the trip for the quicker appointments. 

The first US is tomorrow morning at 8 am.  I'm nervous about finding the hospital and the drive.  Kelly offered their hospitality but I have too much to do tonight to accept.  The nurse will be looking at Kelly's ovaries to make sure they are free of cysts and that everything still looks good.  The injection she will start tomorrow night (FSH) will stimulate the ovaries to produce fat and healthy ovum.  If Kelly were to have cysts this hormone could enlarge them.  The medicine is in a large pen, kind of like an EpiPen but bigger, it stings a bit when injected.  The medicine will go just under the skin.  The medicine, called Gonal F, stinks.  It has been a long time since I've used it and I can still recall the scent.  *gack*

Matt  and I made contact again with our lawyer who specializes in gestational carrier law.  We will mail out our check for the first phase tomorrow.  This first phase is relatively easy and quick thankfully.  I'm actually a little relieved to have something to do on our end.  We'll have a conference call in the next day or so to set up the pre-birth order (PBO).  I've written some about that earlier, but this is the contract that allows Matt and my name to be placed on the birth certificate immediately after the  birth.  The turnaround  for this contract is short, approximately 2 days, and is relatively easy.  I guess the contract is supposed to be fairly standard.  We thankfully have a good friend who is also a lawyer so she explains the pieces that may be over our heads! 

So on the personal and emotional end of this, things feel very strange.  It seems to be constantly in the back of my mind and attaches itself to random thoughts like an unexpected barnacle.  I spend a lot of time with my niece, who is the sunshine of my life, and I keep thinking how nice it wold be for her to have a cousin.  I look at our house in a new way too.  I wonder where the hell are we going to put all the stuff that comes along with a child. 

I seem to have allowed my self more hope than I really wanted to feel.  I'm sure that sounds strange, but I think I will do better keeping hope at arms length.  I still want to be able to see it, maybe touch it with my finger tips, but I don't want to do this without the safety net of doubt.  I bet that sounds crazy, but until you've had hope stripped from you violently, doubt can feel like a real blessing.  Reality has doubt wrapped deeply and tightly into the threads of its web. Hope is the shimmer of the silk and I do still hope.

So tomorrow is the next step forward and it is exciting.  I wish Matt could be there to hold my hand through this, if not to be a path finder to the hospital and then to listen to me comment on Kelly's skinny ass hips on the way home! 

We have a tentitive transfer date of the 18th of June and I will be keeping you all posted along the way. 

I would also like to thank you all for the out pouring of support you've offered.  I think this support has carried us through the days where we didn't have the energy to move on our own.  We rely on it more than you could possibly know.  I would like to thank all of Kelly and Ben's family and friends we had the pleasure of meeting at Ben's graduation party.  The support you've offered Ben and Kelly means the most of all.

Much Love and Many Thanks,
Katy Taber
Posted by Katy at 5:04 PM 1 comments

Friday, May 28

Meeting the other half

there was a celebration for Ben's graduation party last weekend and it was A LOT of fun.  I had the opportunity to meet Ben and Kelly's parents, siblings, and friends.  To be honest, I was really nervous.  What would they think of me?  How could I put their loved one through this?  What kind of nut-job am I? (Is nut-job hyphenated?) I can absolutely respect these questions as I still have yet to grasp all of it.  I can't get past the feeling of it just being "weird".  That's the closest word I have for the concept.  

Anyway, I hope that regardless of the impression (good I hope) that I've made that you all will continue to support the Botwinski's and us through the fast approaching adventure.

Come on June Menstrual Cycle !!!!
Posted by Katy at 12:33 PM 2 comments

Mother's Day

So, I haven't posted in a while so here is some catch up....


I had a really rough time the night before Mother's Day.  My husband and I had a huge fight and that chaffed against the already raw nerve.  Mother's Day is always the worst holiday for me and that makes sense, I suppose.  I sent flowers to Kelly since I wasn't there to hug her, which I like to do, for some reason she just makes me feel better.  I think it's her optimism.  I spent the night sobbing, feeling like a hot mess. 
But on the actual day, Matt worked so hard to keep me busy.  We went to Electric Cheetah for a great lunch, and the book store, and numerous other places.  Spending the time alone with my husband, which is rare for us, was wonderful and a great distraction. 
Posted by Katy at 12:25 PM 0 comments
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