Definition of Infertility: If getting pregnant has been a challenge for you and your partner, you're not alone. Ten to 15 percent of couples in the United States are infertile. Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected sex for at least a year.
www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310

This is the story of 2 couples, 1 infertile and 1 fertile, and our journey of hope towards the greatest gift that can be bestowed upon any person: the gift of life. Though we are just beginning the process, our goal is simply to share our experiences and emotions along the way and our hope is that this story might bring comfort, courage, or simply answers to other people who have found themselves at what once was seemingly a dead end.

What makes us different than so many stories is, we are neither family nor strangers. Our friendship lately has been a long distance one. I always found it interesting that friendship are one of the few relationships that can survive distance. Boyfriends, girlfriends, married people, even family can fall victim to physical distance. We have not.

Friendship, like any relationship, is a give and take. Like the dipping and rising of waves you remain connected. Kelly and her entire family are giving us the greatest gift, even if it doesn't work, that gift will never be tarnished or less cherished.

This blog is not for the faint of heart. It will be raw and honest as this is a challenging process. We hope our sense of humor does not offend you; if it does we won't be hurt that you don't come back to visit, but we do hope that you take something away. Please be forgiving of our grammar and spelling as there will be times that our writing will be a release of intense emotion.

We hope you enjoy, find what you need, and come back for more!

*NOTE: This blog was started in January 2010 - the very, very beginning of our process. The first preliminary/counseling appointments are scheduled but have not happened yet. Kelly has yet to get medical clearance. The purpose of starting from this point is to detail the emotions and experiences of every little step. *

Genetic Material Mama's Story

The Boring Stuff:

My name is Katy, and I am half of the genetic material. (Or the "intended parent" if you want to get brushed up on your legal/medical jargon.) I am a 29 year old Michigander. I've been married for about 7 years to a great man named Matt.

Meeting My Future Baby Mama (is that supposed to be hyphenated?):

I met Kelly when I was hired on as a stylist in a mid-level salon. Soon after we became friends. She understood my sense of humor and wasn't put off my sometimes-lack-of-tact, and she wasn't afraid to tell me when I was saying something, um, unpalatable. I enjoyed the company of her and her husband and later her two amazing children.

As I watched Kelly progress through her first pregnancy it was as if I was watching what I would be like because we were so similar in a lot of ways. She took care of herself and had a supportive husband as well (shout out to the Baby Daddy here). Though if I remember correctly, she complained a lot less than I would have. I was not present for either births but Kelly remarked that they were mostly uneventful.

The Struggle:
By the time of the birth of her second child, a girl, my husband and I were aware of our struggle to conceive. Each month was a fresh slap in the face. I always felt it was ironic that there was blood involved because the wound in my heart felt that deep. Of course, everyone around us announced the expectancy of their own baby and it hurt terribly every time. Then the guilt followed for not being fully happy for them.

In June (I am uncertain of the year exactly, 2005 or 2006?), a few days before I was going to call the specialist, I had a late period which was not unusual for me but I took a test and it was positive. It was in the morning after I showered and in my towel I sank to the floor. I was stunned. The lines were bright and tears poured from my eyes. I heard my husband stir for his own morning routine and quickly pulled myself together. I hid the test. I wanted to tell him in some special way - not while in the back of his mind he was thinking he had to poop. I got ready in record time and left the house with my hair still wet and pee stick in hand. I could hardly stand it. I felt as though I was going to burst! Later I did burst but in a decidedly different way.

Maybe 3 weeks later I took another test. I'm not certain why. I think I wanted to see those lines pulsing at me like a neon sign again. This time there was only one line. The Control Line they call it. I called the doctor immediately and they drew blood and did a urine test, both were negative. They had told me not only was it negative, but I was never pregnant. It was a false positive. "But the stick said positive!" I shouted and thrust it at her. I had brought it with me. It was proof damn it! The stick lied. My mind whirled. How could it lie? It's job is truth. It's chemicals for Christ sake! It's science. It's fact. It is or it isn't. Not a lie. But science is apparently a fickle bitch when relied upon. I left the office in tears and dry heaved while holding onto my car.

My husband and I spent the next few days crying every whip-stitch. We had not done the wait-until-the-first-trimester-is-over-to-tell-everyone thing. Everyone close to us knew our story and struggle. We were too excited to hold back. I felt guilty for that. I felt that that lying stick had made me a liar too. I was utterly embarrassed and felt like a real fool.

Welcome To Infertility. Here is Your Complimentary Bag of New Shit to Deal With (oh, and tissues):

We went through the whole variety of tests, the most interesting being the Post Coital test. There really is nothing like scheduled sex to really heighten the romance. Then, you get to walk into the doctors office right after feeling like you have FORNICATOR written on your forehead. I was surprised at this point that they didn't ask, "So how was it". *TMI Alert* So they get us settled in the room and I, uh, assume the position and they check how many of his soldiers made it across the terrain, which is to say, next to none. In this procedure they were to check my cervical fluid, which apparently is supposed to be the consistency of egg whites. The nurse laughs and says, "well, I can already tell you this is not going to work for you. It's like rubber cement." Usually they analyze it, but that was just redundant after this.

We continued on to IUI's (Inter Uterine Insemination) and then to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and then to FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). The IUI's weren't so bad but the IVF and FET's were fraught with emotion and failure. Between the injections and other medications it was impossible not to have the experience run our life. Every thing was timed. We had to plan our days around our injections or pills. I had to leave work early or receive injections in the car. We had to find out what the policy was on bringing needles into a concert. My husband gave me almost all the injections. I knew it was hard for him to inflict pain on me each time. I could see it in his eyes. The injections left bruises and left me sore at the injection site. It wasn't pure hell but it was extremely difficult.

That's me! The oven!

My name is Kelly and I am the gestational carrier-to-be. I really hate that name. Surrogate is even a little weird to me. I don't know what the right name/term is - but I'm sure I'll find it before this is all over. Or maybe not. Who am I? Why am I doing this?

I am 32 years old, married to the love of my life (who also happens to be the best man and husband that has ever been), and a mom of two beautiful amazing children. My son is 5 and my daughter is 4, and yes, I am the genetic parent and gestational carrier for each of them. That is exactly why I am here.

My husband and I are living our fairy tale and while we may do things the hard way, everything has worked out exactly as we have wanted and hoped for. Even the unplanned, unseen things have been welcomed, life changing and defining moments for our family. We have much to be grateful for, try not to take anything for granted, and we live for today.

When we decided we were ready to start a family we were both lucky and blessed. We were pregnant on the first try with each child and we had no complications throughout either pregnancy. Prior to starting to try I had an appointment with my OB/GYN to have my IUD removed, discuss getting pregnant and start prenatals. During my pelvic, prior to removing the IUD, my doc remarked "You've got great hips! Oh, ya, you were made for having babies."

I have never forgotten that. If I have been given this body that handles pregnancy so well, why wouldn't I be a part of this opportunity to help our friends? By no means was this decision taken lightly by me or my husband. If he were not 100% supportive we would not be here. Obviously having kids the ages we do makes the decision more complicated and delicate. After much consideration and debate we decided that we could not withhold what we could potentially offer. This is not a sacrifice to me. This just is. Beyond the complicated facade it is very simple: We have these amazing, beautiful, ridiculously funny and loving friends who we know would do anything for us. So their oven's broken. No problem! They can borrow ours!


Little Wonders

For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben

Friday, June 18

Now We Wait - again....but this is The Big Wait

*Warning to Readers:  there are all sorts of thoughts, feelings and emotions attached to today.  Crazy experiences, inappropriate jokes, all sorts of things.  I'm just going to write.  I'm not going to worry about making it flow or be in any sort of logical order.  I'm just going to get it out.  I'm sorry if it's confusing but I'm kind of not.

The transfer was a piece of cake and almost slightly anticlimactic.  I'm not really sure what I was expecting...maybe the embryos on a velvet pillow announced by the playing of a trumpet.  I don't know.  Katy sat right next to me and we held hands and Ben stood on my other side and we held hands and I'm assuming Katy and Matt were holding hands but I doubt Matt and Ben were holding hands.  It was quick.  Very quick.  Yes we got to watch the whole thing through an ultrasound but it was very hard to tell what was happening - even after the doctor pointed out where the embryos went.  There were 2 of them and they scored very high on their stickability.  I believe Katy said that hadn't yet had any come out of the deep freeze and score so well so I've been thinking we have this in the bag x 2.  I was very proud of Katy.  She was amazingly well collected.  She had tears but I could see a huge weight be lifted from her shoulders:  first, the issue of me backing out was no longer a concern and second there were embryos that not only survived but appeared to be rock stars!  But the longer the day goes on the more I feel like I did with my first pregnancy.  Over thinking every ping, pang, twing, leakey feeling (which would be the progesterone gel that I have to insert daily).  I get nervous.  What if I went to the bathroom 1 too many times?  I laid flat on my back for almost an hour more than required.  That was only possible thanks to Katy & Matt brining an Olive Garden lunch and "Baby Mama" for our viewing enjoyment.  It was funny that Katy said OG sounded good because that has always been a special place for me and Ben.  Our first date in 1994 was there, our second first date in 2002, we ate there after we got married, ate there after our first doctors appointment where we heard our first baby's heartbeat, etc, etc.  And unknowning to that - Katy gets a craving for that.  Fate? A sign?

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Posted by Kelly at 8:24 PM 2 comments

Thursday, June 17

Now that we officially have our time. (Friday @ 10:30).  I'm feeling a little stunned.  It feels a lot like when I had a concussion.  I can't really focus on one thing and I look at the clock and see that hours have passed and I have no clue what I've done for that period of time.  I'm making my usual lists but rarely marking anything off as done.

I am excited but I'm trying to keep that feeling under wraps so I can keep my emotions realistic.  Oddly, mostly, I feel scared.  We are leaping from the world of theory and preparation into the possibility of creating a life.  Not just creating a life but creating one in a very unconventional way.  I know I've said this before but I just don't know what to do here.  I'm struggling to find a role, a niche, something familiar and I can't- it does not exist.  That powerlessness makes me a little sick to my stomach.

I am also having to rectify some powerful emotions that I expected to feel.  The feeling of jealousy.  It doesn't feel like the right word but it's as close as I have.  There is the feeling of grief, that, if this is to work, someone else will be carrying our baby.  That, I will not feel the kicking directly, the infants hiccups, that I won't have even the negative stuff involved with pregnancy like, heart burn, puking, exhaustion, and all the other difficult parts that make up pregnancy as a whole.  Matt will never place his hands on my stomach to feel the baby kick, or whisper good nights to our child through my skin.  Our baby will not know our voices as it will know Kelly's loving voice.   Yes, there is definitely grief.  And I have expected its coming.

There is also the fear of if this works.  Then what?  What are Matt and I going to do with a baby?  Jeese, what if we're crappy parents?  My nightmare always consists of going about my day and realizing I haven't fed the child all day long and we have nothing but adult food to give!  My mind, thankfully, is unable to wrap around the idea of multiples so I'm safe, right now at least, from those fears.

But then there is the fear of the worst case scenario.  The case that involves a phone call Thursday night or when we get there Friday morning and they tell us none have survived the thaw or that they all look really crappy and our chances of stick-ability are very, very low.

Unsurprisingly, all these conflicting emotions are making my head spin.  I'm exhausted and feeling worthless when it comes to keeping up on my To-Do list.  To be absolutely honest, I just want it over with; the transfer and the two week wait, all of it.  I want to know definitively so I can move on with the next stage in my life, whatever that may be.
Posted by Katy at 8:17 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, June 16

Friday, June 18th 10:30 a.m.

That is "T Day".  Check in is at 10:00 and procedure is at 10:30.  I'm not nervous or scared - I'm too nauseous to think about anything other than trying not to be nauseous...and dizzy.  I know I looked horrible all day today because 2 of my bosses asked my about 3 times if I was ok or feeling ok.  I think I must have looked in pain or very uncomfortable.  I'm assuming this is all the hormones and if so, this starts off worse than a naturally conceived pregnancy - not to mention it happens with a tube instead of....well you know where I'm going with that.  

The strength a woman must need to go through this is unbelievable.  And other than the recent nausea, I have been a superstar oven:  no marks or bruises from any shots, not even so much as a tiny needle mark, no horrible side-effects, and I cycle so well that I didn't even have to repeat an US or blood draw.  Even with all of those positive things - this is still hard.  It is always on your mind - and I have 2 kids.  I can't imagine trying to have my first child by going through this process.  The body can never not be stressed or not thinking about this.  In a way - you almost always have to think about it and even more so the closer you get to T Day.   I certainly didn't enter into this lightly or expect it to be a walk in the park but I also didn't expect it to be quiet as mentally draining.  Every day I gain more and more respect for the women and couples who have to go through this.

I'm sure I speak for all 4 of us when I say, "I'm just ready to know something one way or another."  And as far as me:  I'm ready for my own organic, self-made hormones to take over.
Posted by Kelly at 3:44 PM 0 comments
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Monday, June 14

Prepped for landing

My biggest fear: The Trigger Shot. It's done. I know I've said it before but my husband is a good poker ;-)  I didn't even feel it - for an intramuscular shot in the upper quadrant of the buttock - I. AM. IMPRESSED.  In very simple terms this shot kind of tricks my body into thinking it's pregnant so it will start to do the biological things needed to support pregnancy - thus creating a warmer, more comfortable environment for these little embryos.  The only thing left at this point is to start some antibiotics and a few other hormonal boosters needed to support pregnancy (I'll spare you the boring details). 

I didn't even know this was my biggest fear until we watched the how-to video and it freaked me out! (See the video link below)  Of all the things in this whole process - this was what was freaking me out!  The last butt shot I remember was when I was maybe 15 and it was in the ER and it turned out I had strep throat so they gave me a shot to get the antibiotic in my system faster.  Well - I jumped.  The needle came out.  And they had to re-stick.  Ya.  Not a fond memory.  After the training video my text to Katy was "OMG.  This could be a deal breaker.  JK  I know bad joke.  But seriously.  Shit."  Without meaning to I threw her into panic mode and she called right away.  Her and Matt gave us some good advice, we hung up, I started to ice my rear and then we got the ingredients, started to mix, had a "Good God you could kill me" moment and then we called Katy and Matt again just to make sure that I could do this laying down.  Well at that point it was a group activity.  It was almost like they were right there with us ;-) When I announced we were done there were lots of hooraying and "Go Team" coming from their end and as always we ended with our smart-ass jokes and humor, ranging from "All systems go" to "So what do we do with the powder in the other vile" (which is the actual drug that needs to be mixed with the sterile water) to "We're clear for landing" and I believe it ended with a round of good nights and I love yous.  

No more needles.  We are prepped for landing.

The Fertility Center  (On the bottom of the page click "Free Injection Training" and then select the option on the bottom left for "HCG")  

Posted by Kelly at 7:57 PM 0 comments
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It's the Final Final Countdown!

Really what can I say?  As you may have read in Katy's earlier post the US and blood work this morning went good and apparently I am a Superstar Ovulater.  Not only do we not need another US or more blood work, but the transfer is happening about 4-5 days earlier than we thought.  Which is good because it means less time off of work but it's shocking because Katy had me fully thinking that Thursday would be another US and lab.  So when the nurse called and said "Tonight you'll do the HCG shot." I almost fell of my chair!  WHAT?!  I haven't looked that far into the med switch for the final few days....I haven't crammed for the test....Now my whole little Cycle-Day-day-of-the-month-what-drugs-when chart/calendar is all off!!!!  Well there's nothing like a little shot of adrenaline to clear up the severe nausea that the FSG shot seemed to be causing.  I think we're all in a bit of shock.  The start of this seems so long ago but these last few weeks have flown by.  Please send all of your positive thoughts, energy, prayers, offerings, whatever it is you may do, to us this Friday morning.  And as always - we'll keep you posted.
Posted by Kelly at 5:36 PM 0 comments

A shot fired....

What a flippin' day!  Last night I accidentally took my full dose of medication which keeps me asleep.  So this morning when my alarm went off at 6am and I thought I hit snooze, I actually his dismiss.  Matt woke me when he got up at 7!  Thankfully I showered before I went to bed.  The appointment was at 8:30 and I hit really bad construction traffic because I missed the exit that would have taken me around it, then a car hit a deer not to far in front of me and everyone was swerving.  It was a total mess.

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Posted by Katy at 1:05 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 13

"T" day is fast approaching.  It is difficult, to be honest, not knowing what the actual date will be.   At this stage we have not even an illusion of control.

The emotional end is starting to make itself more known.  It's confusion and anxiety mostly.  I hate not having a precedent set, having some knowledge of the situation to fall back on.  I've always known I'm more ridged than I care to admit but this situation really emphasizes that.  Not knowing the date officially, puts my stomach into knots.  Can't I have something so simple as a date?  An estimated date is not enough.  Something so concrete as a date offers sense, order, and with that peace of mind.  I'm a planner, an obsessive list maker, how do I do this?

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Posted by Katy at 11:31 AM 0 comments
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