Definition of Infertility: If getting pregnant has been a challenge for you and your partner, you're not alone. Ten to 15 percent of couples in the United States are infertile. Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected sex for at least a year.
www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310

This is the story of 2 couples, 1 infertile and 1 fertile, and our journey of hope towards the greatest gift that can be bestowed upon any person: the gift of life. Though we are just beginning the process, our goal is simply to share our experiences and emotions along the way and our hope is that this story might bring comfort, courage, or simply answers to other people who have found themselves at what once was seemingly a dead end.

What makes us different than so many stories is, we are neither family nor strangers. Our friendship lately has been a long distance one. I always found it interesting that friendship are one of the few relationships that can survive distance. Boyfriends, girlfriends, married people, even family can fall victim to physical distance. We have not.

Friendship, like any relationship, is a give and take. Like the dipping and rising of waves you remain connected. Kelly and her entire family are giving us the greatest gift, even if it doesn't work, that gift will never be tarnished or less cherished.

This blog is not for the faint of heart. It will be raw and honest as this is a challenging process. We hope our sense of humor does not offend you; if it does we won't be hurt that you don't come back to visit, but we do hope that you take something away. Please be forgiving of our grammar and spelling as there will be times that our writing will be a release of intense emotion.

We hope you enjoy, find what you need, and come back for more!

*NOTE: This blog was started in January 2010 - the very, very beginning of our process. The first preliminary/counseling appointments are scheduled but have not happened yet. Kelly has yet to get medical clearance. The purpose of starting from this point is to detail the emotions and experiences of every little step. *

Genetic Material Mama's Story

The Boring Stuff:

My name is Katy, and I am half of the genetic material. (Or the "intended parent" if you want to get brushed up on your legal/medical jargon.) I am a 29 year old Michigander. I've been married for about 7 years to a great man named Matt.

Meeting My Future Baby Mama (is that supposed to be hyphenated?):

I met Kelly when I was hired on as a stylist in a mid-level salon. Soon after we became friends. She understood my sense of humor and wasn't put off my sometimes-lack-of-tact, and she wasn't afraid to tell me when I was saying something, um, unpalatable. I enjoyed the company of her and her husband and later her two amazing children.

As I watched Kelly progress through her first pregnancy it was as if I was watching what I would be like because we were so similar in a lot of ways. She took care of herself and had a supportive husband as well (shout out to the Baby Daddy here). Though if I remember correctly, she complained a lot less than I would have. I was not present for either births but Kelly remarked that they were mostly uneventful.

The Struggle:
By the time of the birth of her second child, a girl, my husband and I were aware of our struggle to conceive. Each month was a fresh slap in the face. I always felt it was ironic that there was blood involved because the wound in my heart felt that deep. Of course, everyone around us announced the expectancy of their own baby and it hurt terribly every time. Then the guilt followed for not being fully happy for them.

In June (I am uncertain of the year exactly, 2005 or 2006?), a few days before I was going to call the specialist, I had a late period which was not unusual for me but I took a test and it was positive. It was in the morning after I showered and in my towel I sank to the floor. I was stunned. The lines were bright and tears poured from my eyes. I heard my husband stir for his own morning routine and quickly pulled myself together. I hid the test. I wanted to tell him in some special way - not while in the back of his mind he was thinking he had to poop. I got ready in record time and left the house with my hair still wet and pee stick in hand. I could hardly stand it. I felt as though I was going to burst! Later I did burst but in a decidedly different way.

Maybe 3 weeks later I took another test. I'm not certain why. I think I wanted to see those lines pulsing at me like a neon sign again. This time there was only one line. The Control Line they call it. I called the doctor immediately and they drew blood and did a urine test, both were negative. They had told me not only was it negative, but I was never pregnant. It was a false positive. "But the stick said positive!" I shouted and thrust it at her. I had brought it with me. It was proof damn it! The stick lied. My mind whirled. How could it lie? It's job is truth. It's chemicals for Christ sake! It's science. It's fact. It is or it isn't. Not a lie. But science is apparently a fickle bitch when relied upon. I left the office in tears and dry heaved while holding onto my car.

My husband and I spent the next few days crying every whip-stitch. We had not done the wait-until-the-first-trimester-is-over-to-tell-everyone thing. Everyone close to us knew our story and struggle. We were too excited to hold back. I felt guilty for that. I felt that that lying stick had made me a liar too. I was utterly embarrassed and felt like a real fool.

Welcome To Infertility. Here is Your Complimentary Bag of New Shit to Deal With (oh, and tissues):

We went through the whole variety of tests, the most interesting being the Post Coital test. There really is nothing like scheduled sex to really heighten the romance. Then, you get to walk into the doctors office right after feeling like you have FORNICATOR written on your forehead. I was surprised at this point that they didn't ask, "So how was it". *TMI Alert* So they get us settled in the room and I, uh, assume the position and they check how many of his soldiers made it across the terrain, which is to say, next to none. In this procedure they were to check my cervical fluid, which apparently is supposed to be the consistency of egg whites. The nurse laughs and says, "well, I can already tell you this is not going to work for you. It's like rubber cement." Usually they analyze it, but that was just redundant after this.

We continued on to IUI's (Inter Uterine Insemination) and then to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and then to FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). The IUI's weren't so bad but the IVF and FET's were fraught with emotion and failure. Between the injections and other medications it was impossible not to have the experience run our life. Every thing was timed. We had to plan our days around our injections or pills. I had to leave work early or receive injections in the car. We had to find out what the policy was on bringing needles into a concert. My husband gave me almost all the injections. I knew it was hard for him to inflict pain on me each time. I could see it in his eyes. The injections left bruises and left me sore at the injection site. It wasn't pure hell but it was extremely difficult.

That's me! The oven!

My name is Kelly and I am the gestational carrier-to-be. I really hate that name. Surrogate is even a little weird to me. I don't know what the right name/term is - but I'm sure I'll find it before this is all over. Or maybe not. Who am I? Why am I doing this?

I am 32 years old, married to the love of my life (who also happens to be the best man and husband that has ever been), and a mom of two beautiful amazing children. My son is 5 and my daughter is 4, and yes, I am the genetic parent and gestational carrier for each of them. That is exactly why I am here.

My husband and I are living our fairy tale and while we may do things the hard way, everything has worked out exactly as we have wanted and hoped for. Even the unplanned, unseen things have been welcomed, life changing and defining moments for our family. We have much to be grateful for, try not to take anything for granted, and we live for today.

When we decided we were ready to start a family we were both lucky and blessed. We were pregnant on the first try with each child and we had no complications throughout either pregnancy. Prior to starting to try I had an appointment with my OB/GYN to have my IUD removed, discuss getting pregnant and start prenatals. During my pelvic, prior to removing the IUD, my doc remarked "You've got great hips! Oh, ya, you were made for having babies."

I have never forgotten that. If I have been given this body that handles pregnancy so well, why wouldn't I be a part of this opportunity to help our friends? By no means was this decision taken lightly by me or my husband. If he were not 100% supportive we would not be here. Obviously having kids the ages we do makes the decision more complicated and delicate. After much consideration and debate we decided that we could not withhold what we could potentially offer. This is not a sacrifice to me. This just is. Beyond the complicated facade it is very simple: We have these amazing, beautiful, ridiculously funny and loving friends who we know would do anything for us. So their oven's broken. No problem! They can borrow ours!


Little Wonders

For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben

Wednesday, June 30

It didn't stick

I'm sure by now you know that we are not pregnant, but I wanted everyone to know that for myself, and I'm sure the same is true for Katy, it will take a little time to put together a post about getting the news, spreading the news and the hours and day(s) that followed.  I don't want to rush through one of the most significant experiences of this process and I want to do it justice.  I know that everyone will understand and respect this.

I know we've said it a thousand times but it must be said again:  Thank you!  From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for letting us share this story and thank you for supporting all 4 of us.  To Matt and Katy: we thank you for your trust, your timeless friendship and for letting us be a part of this very private, very raw, and very brave process.  Your unconditional love and support for each other, as well as your strength, is immeasurable and admirable.  Truly you are both an inspiration for everyone around you!  To Katy:  there is nothing I can say that hasn't been said.  You recently said something to me that made me laugh and I thought "that's a great one!".  Today that quote has been ringing loudly in my head and I'll leave you with it as now it may take on a new meaning for you as it has for me:  Just when I thought I had all the answers, the questions change.
Posted by Kelly at 2:23 PM 0 comments

Monday, June 28

Worst Post Ever

Ok.  Pretty much the title says it all.  I'm not sure that I have too much to say, especially anything vital, important or emotional but I'm sure that everyone is wondering what's happening on our end and how we're feeling before the big day.  Or maybe my thinking is slightly narcissistic.

I had been just fine until I got home this evening, got on Facebook and was greeted by a flurry of well wishes, luck, prayers and positive thoughts and now my mind is kind of starting to swirl into an emotional hurricane.  The #1 question I get asked is if I'm nervous.  I don't know that nervous would be among my emotions but to be honest, I don't know if I could even pick them apart but I just feel like nervous isn't in there.  Part of me just thinks of tomorrow as an end - the finish line.  No matter what the result is - tomorrow is the end of a lot of things in a lot of ways.  Like Katy said in her post, isn't it more about the fear of the unknown rather than the known.  I don't know what a negative result means; I don't know where I go after that, what I do, what happens with The Oven and GM relationship.  Will I feel like I failed?  Will I question whether or not I could have done one little thing differently that could have made a difference?  How long and how hard will I grieve?  I don't know and I don't pretend to know.  Maybe it's best I don't know right now.

In many ways, for me and Ben, this has become more than just "giving them an opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise had."  It's revisiting the excitement and nerves of wanting to become parents and wanting to give this amazing, deserving couple their own chance to experience that as their own.   It's realizing how blessed we are, even during the times when the kids make us wonder which one of us thought having kids was a good idea.  It's seeing life's beginning with a whole new perspective that we will never forget.  It's been being honored with the most precious gift of all:  trust.  It is so many things.  And no matter what part of me thought I understood that this was just an "opportunity", it's becoming clear to me that it this experience is more than that. We have been honored to be a part of this and to be so completely trusted with something so precious.  To Katy and Matt:  Thank you.

What I do know:  If the test result is positive, well - been there done that, I'll be on with my night and something new will start on Wednesday.        
Posted by Kelly at 7:09 PM 0 comments

Coming Soon: Schrodinger's Cat :The Big Reveal

This past Saturday Matt and I were able to spend sometime with Ben and Kelly and their two hilarious kids.  The day was so great.  I forgot how relaxing being around Kelly and Ben is.  The time and conversation isn't forced or taxing like normal social interactions are for me.  It's just, well, easy.  I left feeling more content than I had felt in a long time.  It was wonderful.

While we were there, Kelly and I discussed how we would receive the news.  Who would call who, ect.  We decided on having the call come to me first and then I would call Kelly and tell her personally.  Kelly reminded me that we would have the results on Tuesday, and when she uttered those words my stomach dropped to my feet and I felt like someone had just smacked me between the eyes.  Tuesday.  Tuuuueesssdaaaayyyy.  Tues. Day.   For some reason I had been clinging to the illusion that it was WEDNESDAY.  This little fact, this matter of knowing, 24 hours earlier, scared the shit out of me.

I am still reconciling these emotions.  I am ready to know.  I want to move on to the next phase in our lives which ever it may be, but for some reason, I am afraid.  I don't know why.  I don't think I felt like this with any of our other procedures.  But, yes, this one is different.  Completely different, and there are things to fear.  But should knowing be one of them?  I suppose it's really more the unknown, isn't it?

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Posted by Katy at 1:44 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, June 23

Wading Through the Waters in Ce-Ment Shoes

I'm trying very hard to keep busy so, my mind will be filled only with the tasks at hand.  The trouble is, I'm getting distracted from my distractions.  So far I've done a good job of not wallowing in a pool of self pity and doubt, but that urge to trudge on is taking its toll.  I keep feeling  exhausted and a headache is almost guaranteed by 2pm.  I am picturing my synapses waging war on one another, trying to keep my attention.  It feels like a tug of war is going on in my frontal lobe!

I know I need to switch gears, since the avoidance tactic is an unhealthy method for me.  (It always manifests itself in poor sleep habits, agitation (thank God for Ativan), and emotional eating.)  Up through this point I had done a decent job at staying with my feelings and not shoving them away.  I was taking them along with me, as expected, unwanted guests.

The difference, I think now, lies in the role reversal.  I feel like I am managing the business end of this possible pregnancy, despite Kelly's efforts to pull me in to the role she knows I want to occupy.  I want to be all over this like bubble gum under the church pew.  I want her to outsource part of her life to me, I'll even work on my Indian accent.  I will get there, it just takes time in my new cement shoes.  (I really thought they could have come up with something a little nicer, not a bow or ruffle on them anywhere, well at least they're not Crocs.)
Posted by Katy at 11:00 AM 0 comments

Sunday, June 20

Humbled by Support & Finding Nerves

In the last 2 days Ben & I have received an overwhelming amount of support, thanks and appreciation from the friends and family of Katy and Matt for which we are entirely grateful.  That being said, I still feel the same that I did when we started this - undeserving of the praise and appreciation.  I am blessed to have an easy time conceiving and throughout pregnancy so if I can help a deserving couple receive the gift of a lifetime, why wouldn't I?  The outcry has me very nervous at this point because the only thing I have done so far is not back out.  It has been said that I have offered an opportunity which is worthy of the thanks and appreciation but this isn't a done deal yet. 
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Posted by Kelly at 7:05 PM 2 comments

Friday, June 18

Schrödinger's cat

Wow!  What a day!  This morning we got going so we could be at the Fertility Center at 10am.  I was still feeling stunned.  Ever since we had the transfer time given to us I've felt a bit sick.  Not in a bad way; just overwhelmed.

As usual Kelly and Ben kept us laughing.  The nurses were unaware of our situation of Gestational Carrier since it is so unusual in our state.  When they called Kelly back they expected her husband but not Matt and I!  I chimed in after the nurse called Kelly, "and company!".  We kept getting long sided glances and they put Kelly and her husband in a prep area to get  her undressed and we were told basically to wait here while it happened and Kelly was quick to dismiss this as was I.  They were a bit concerned about putting us all in the procedure room.  Ben, God love him, said, "If  anyone is going to step out, it's going to be me."  He said it so definitively.  That for some reason was so touching.  I can't express it.  It was so gallant.   They finally agreed to allow us all into the procedure room as long as we stayed out of the way.

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Posted by Katy at 10:00 PM 0 comments

Now We Wait - again....but this is The Big Wait

*Warning to Readers:  there are all sorts of thoughts, feelings and emotions attached to today.  Crazy experiences, inappropriate jokes, all sorts of things.  I'm just going to write.  I'm not going to worry about making it flow or be in any sort of logical order.  I'm just going to get it out.  I'm sorry if it's confusing but I'm kind of not.

The transfer was a piece of cake and almost slightly anticlimactic.  I'm not really sure what I was expecting...maybe the embryos on a velvet pillow announced by the playing of a trumpet.  I don't know.  Katy sat right next to me and we held hands and Ben stood on my other side and we held hands and I'm assuming Katy and Matt were holding hands but I doubt Matt and Ben were holding hands.  It was quick.  Very quick.  Yes we got to watch the whole thing through an ultrasound but it was very hard to tell what was happening - even after the doctor pointed out where the embryos went.  There were 2 of them and they scored very high on their stickability.  I believe Katy said that hadn't yet had any come out of the deep freeze and score so well so I've been thinking we have this in the bag x 2.  I was very proud of Katy.  She was amazingly well collected.  She had tears but I could see a huge weight be lifted from her shoulders:  first, the issue of me backing out was no longer a concern and second there were embryos that not only survived but appeared to be rock stars!  But the longer the day goes on the more I feel like I did with my first pregnancy.  Over thinking every ping, pang, twing, leakey feeling (which would be the progesterone gel that I have to insert daily).  I get nervous.  What if I went to the bathroom 1 too many times?  I laid flat on my back for almost an hour more than required.  That was only possible thanks to Katy & Matt brining an Olive Garden lunch and "Baby Mama" for our viewing enjoyment.  It was funny that Katy said OG sounded good because that has always been a special place for me and Ben.  Our first date in 1994 was there, our second first date in 2002, we ate there after we got married, ate there after our first doctors appointment where we heard our first baby's heartbeat, etc, etc.  And unknowning to that - Katy gets a craving for that.  Fate? A sign?

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Posted by Kelly at 8:24 PM 2 comments
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