After being diagnosed with the PCOS, the doctor strongly recommended going on the South Bitch diet. I know I need to loose weight. I've known for a long time that I need to loose weight...but, well, it's just so hard. I'm an emotional eater, happy, sad, whatever. And I love beer and wine! Ugh!
I've been on the damn diet a week and 2 days. I have lost 12 lbs. Great. Peachy. Wonderful. My face is thinning out, my pants are looser-as are my bra's. Oberon (one of my favorite summer time beers) was just released on Monday and I really, really want one. My niece's 1st birthday party was Saturday and that means cake. My kryptonite. I took some cake home and froze it in pieces so I could have it as a reward after we move into phase 2 (which happens to be Easter Sunday. Sonsofbitches.) What I wouldn't give for some cake and an Oberon.
The reason I post this here is because of the emotional part. As I wait, I want something to enjoy, ie cake and beer. I know this is the right thing to do but it still sucks balls.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Tuesday, March 30
Thursday, March 25
Never thought I'd say that
I called Kelly last night to jokingly ask if Ben still had all of his teeth ('cause of my dream). Kelly hadn't read the post so she put me on speaker phone and I related the nightmare to their accompanying chuckles. We had a short conversation to which I ended. "Don't forget to call me when you get your period!" I could almost here the eye roll! When I hung up the phone, I kind of stared at it for a minute thinking "did I really just say that?" Wow, this stuff messes with your thoughts big time! When else would you say something like that? Or, for that matter, be selfishly excited for someone menstrual cycle? When did I become a period cheerleader?
Tuesday, March 23
Bad Dreams
For the first time since we started this endeavor, I found myself having a nightmare about it. It wasn't the nightmare that was unexpected, actually I was more surprised that I hadn't had any sooner, but it still shook me.
I dreamed that Kelly had called me in the middle of the night. She was frustrated. She told me they had missed paying their rent because we took to long reimbursing her for expenses, and that Ben's teeth were falling out and that they didn't have the money to get his mouth fixed because we hadn't gotten them a check yet. Then, very frankly, Kelly stated I'm sorry but you are going to have to do this without us. I told her I understood and felt oddly calm. It was as if as I expected it. My physical response was what scared the shite out of me. My heart pounded, blood screamed through my veins, and I had to scream, but like all my nightmares I am muted by the dream. As I fought to scream, I also fought to breathe. Finally, I woke, gasping. The air almost hurt as a dragged it deep.
Then, a shot of cough syrup and I was back on a river boat to the land of Nodd.
I dreamed that Kelly had called me in the middle of the night. She was frustrated. She told me they had missed paying their rent because we took to long reimbursing her for expenses, and that Ben's teeth were falling out and that they didn't have the money to get his mouth fixed because we hadn't gotten them a check yet. Then, very frankly, Kelly stated I'm sorry but you are going to have to do this without us. I told her I understood and felt oddly calm. It was as if as I expected it. My physical response was what scared the shite out of me. My heart pounded, blood screamed through my veins, and I had to scream, but like all my nightmares I am muted by the dream. As I fought to scream, I also fought to breathe. Finally, I woke, gasping. The air almost hurt as a dragged it deep.
Then, a shot of cough syrup and I was back on a river boat to the land of Nodd.
Sunday, March 14
"Soooo - do you wanna make a condom run?" & Invoicing
Thursday morning at work I got a call about 9:30 that my OBGYN had a cancellation for the annual I had scheduled in July and I could come at 12:30. PERFECT! At that point my annual, my IUD removal, and some signed consent were about the last three things I had to complete until showing up for the trial run. I had been slacking on the annual but I did have the IUD removal scheduled for March 30th and honestly had forgotten about the consent thing....but I'll get that in the mail ;-) At 11:30 I was off.
The good, the blood, and the WTF
Friday Matt and I had our first appointment with the specialist. It started with a bit of paperwork and then a lot of labs. They drew about 3 to 4 vials of blood from each of us to check for all sorts of stuff (AIDS, HIV, and other communicable diseases).
When we finally met with the doctor I was so tight with tension that if you flicked me with a finger I'd vibrate right out of the room. Ugh, I tried so hard to breathe deep and keep a handle on the questions I wanted to ask but that became quickly difficult. My head was spinning a bit. I don't know how to do this! I want a manual! Finally, I gathered myself enough to start asking questions. There were only a few that I needed answered at this stage. I wanted statistics. For a creative person, I cling unusually strong to facts. I was relieved to hear that with the quality of our eggs, we had approximately a 45-48% chance of one embryo implanting. That was better than we expected. A smile, but it quickly faded as I had my chance to ask the fear that has been plaguing me since we've begun this. I cleared my throat, it was amazingly difficult to find my voice. I asked about the thawing success rate. I have been concerned that none would serve the thaw. That we would have gone through this all but to no avail, and worse, that Kelly and her family would too. A significant part of the difficulty here is that we are drawing others into our struggle. But this is a lesson in trust; not just trust, but love.
When we finally met with the doctor I was so tight with tension that if you flicked me with a finger I'd vibrate right out of the room. Ugh, I tried so hard to breathe deep and keep a handle on the questions I wanted to ask but that became quickly difficult. My head was spinning a bit. I don't know how to do this! I want a manual! Finally, I gathered myself enough to start asking questions. There were only a few that I needed answered at this stage. I wanted statistics. For a creative person, I cling unusually strong to facts. I was relieved to hear that with the quality of our eggs, we had approximately a 45-48% chance of one embryo implanting. That was better than we expected. A smile, but it quickly faded as I had my chance to ask the fear that has been plaguing me since we've begun this. I cleared my throat, it was amazingly difficult to find my voice. I asked about the thawing success rate. I have been concerned that none would serve the thaw. That we would have gone through this all but to no avail, and worse, that Kelly and her family would too. A significant part of the difficulty here is that we are drawing others into our struggle. But this is a lesson in trust; not just trust, but love.
Tuesday, March 9
Up coming Appt
Matt and I have our first appointment with our specialist on Friday. Well, first for these series of procedures. I'm really interested in what all will be discussed. I'm beginning to wonder if at every step they'll keep verifying that we know what we are getting into. It's easy to say yest about the procedures but can anyone be truly prepared for the success of the procedures and the onslaught of what follows...let alone bringing home a baby! I know that is the whole point but I don't think anyone truly knows what they are getting into when they bring a child home.
I hate the hurry up and wait portion of this all. I wish it was here and all done, with results so we can move on one way or another.
I hate the hurry up and wait portion of this all. I wish it was here and all done, with results so we can move on one way or another.
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