Hot Mess

I swear I just can't handle today.  I hurt.  I hurt bad.  I'm crying every whip-stitch.  It's just one of the bad days.  I enjoyed a few hours of yesterday and maybe I will enjoy a  few more tomorrow.  I'm getting through today by dint of putting one foot in front of the other, and when I can't do that, I just breathe minute by minute.  It makes for a long day.  An exhausting day for sure. 

I've been down this road of heartache so often I've worn out a path.  Now I have another companion as I walk.  Kelly and I are holding together and stumbling together.  Though we have distance between us, I feel her here.  I feel her hand in mine and her shoulder propping up my wearied head.  I feel her in my arms as she grieves too. 

It is hard to be physically away from Matt too.  I didn't feel this as strong the other times.  Even when I'm exhausted and want to be in bed, I curl into him on the couch.  When I feel his arm drape across the length of my body I feel as though he is holding me together; keeping the sorrow from ripping my heart to pieces.  I miss him when he's not here. 

My sister, who has experienced the keen pain of loss, has been wonderful.  She's allowed me to indulge my less than polite side.  To complain about the things people say, when they feel they need to say something, to allow me to cry without making me feel pitied.  She's offers gentle reassurance and realistic comments and advice.  She has been amazing.

I want to hide, to climb under the covers and ignore life and the spinning of the earth, but life continues and obligations file in and pile up.  Obligations that don't care that my heart is bruised and that I feel like I can't catch my breath. Life can be a cruel bitch when all you want to do is indulge your bitterness and sorrow. 

I dread facing people and having to hear the "maybe it was meant to be speech" or the "you can always adopt" talk.  I hate this because these are rational and practical comments but, heart break, is not rational, it is not practical, it is a wound, like any other.  It requires time and rest.  Words do not fix a broken bone, nor a broken heart.  The kindest words are the fewest.  "We love you and we are sorry this didn't work out.  We'll pray for you" 

Despite my rant, we really do appreciate the out pouring of support.  When we read each touching and humorous comment the tears change from those of pain to those of love.  It is great to know how we are not only surrounded but swaddled in people who love and care for us.  We don't have adequate words of thanks for you.  So I will just say this:  We are blessed and humbled to be so loved by such amazing people.  Thank you for the support throughout, not for just us but to Kelly and Ben as well. 

And to Kelly and Ben:  You are two of the most special people God has ever created.  We knew that when we agreed to try but each day has been an affirmation of what a gift you are to the world.  I will continue to treasure you friendship that has been woven firmly into my life, Kelly.  If any thing, that friendship, will continue.  I love you and yours. 

It didn't stick

I'm sure by now you know that we are not pregnant, but I wanted everyone to know that for myself, and I'm sure the same is true for Katy, it will take a little time to put together a post about getting the news, spreading the news and the hours and day(s) that followed.  I don't want to rush through one of the most significant experiences of this process and I want to do it justice.  I know that everyone will understand and respect this.

I know we've said it a thousand times but it must be said again:  Thank you!  From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for letting us share this story and thank you for supporting all 4 of us.  To Matt and Katy: we thank you for your trust, your timeless friendship and for letting us be a part of this very private, very raw, and very brave process.  Your unconditional love and support for each other, as well as your strength, is immeasurable and admirable.  Truly you are both an inspiration for everyone around you!  To Katy:  there is nothing I can say that hasn't been said.  You recently said something to me that made me laugh and I thought "that's a great one!".  Today that quote has been ringing loudly in my head and I'll leave you with it as now it may take on a new meaning for you as it has for me:  Just when I thought I had all the answers, the questions change.

Worst Post Ever

Ok.  Pretty much the title says it all.  I'm not sure that I have too much to say, especially anything vital, important or emotional but I'm sure that everyone is wondering what's happening on our end and how we're feeling before the big day.  Or maybe my thinking is slightly narcissistic.

I had been just fine until I got home this evening, got on Facebook and was greeted by a flurry of well wishes, luck, prayers and positive thoughts and now my mind is kind of starting to swirl into an emotional hurricane.  The #1 question I get asked is if I'm nervous.  I don't know that nervous would be among my emotions but to be honest, I don't know if I could even pick them apart but I just feel like nervous isn't in there.  Part of me just thinks of tomorrow as an end - the finish line.  No matter what the result is - tomorrow is the end of a lot of things in a lot of ways.  Like Katy said in her post, isn't it more about the fear of the unknown rather than the known.  I don't know what a negative result means; I don't know where I go after that, what I do, what happens with The Oven and GM relationship.  Will I feel like I failed?  Will I question whether or not I could have done one little thing differently that could have made a difference?  How long and how hard will I grieve?  I don't know and I don't pretend to know.  Maybe it's best I don't know right now.

In many ways, for me and Ben, this has become more than just "giving them an opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise had."  It's revisiting the excitement and nerves of wanting to become parents and wanting to give this amazing, deserving couple their own chance to experience that as their own.   It's realizing how blessed we are, even during the times when the kids make us wonder which one of us thought having kids was a good idea.  It's seeing life's beginning with a whole new perspective that we will never forget.  It's been being honored with the most precious gift of all:  trust.  It is so many things.  And no matter what part of me thought I understood that this was just an "opportunity", it's becoming clear to me that it this experience is more than that. We have been honored to be a part of this and to be so completely trusted with something so precious.  To Katy and Matt:  Thank you.

What I do know:  If the test result is positive, well - been there done that, I'll be on with my night and something new will start on Wednesday.        

Coming Soon: Schrodinger's Cat :The Big Reveal

This past Saturday Matt and I were able to spend sometime with Ben and Kelly and their two hilarious kids.  The day was so great.  I forgot how relaxing being around Kelly and Ben is.  The time and conversation isn't forced or taxing like normal social interactions are for me.  It's just, well, easy.  I left feeling more content than I had felt in a long time.  It was wonderful.

While we were there, Kelly and I discussed how we would receive the news.  Who would call who, ect.  We decided on having the call come to me first and then I would call Kelly and tell her personally.  Kelly reminded me that we would have the results on Tuesday, and when she uttered those words my stomach dropped to my feet and I felt like someone had just smacked me between the eyes.  Tuesday.  Tuuuueesssdaaaayyyy.  Tues. Day.   For some reason I had been clinging to the illusion that it was WEDNESDAY.  This little fact, this matter of knowing, 24 hours earlier, scared the shit out of me.

I am still reconciling these emotions.  I am ready to know.  I want to move on to the next phase in our lives which ever it may be, but for some reason, I am afraid.  I don't know why.  I don't think I felt like this with any of our other procedures.  But, yes, this one is different.  Completely different, and there are things to fear.  But should knowing be one of them?  I suppose it's really more the unknown, isn't it?

Wading Through the Waters in Ce-Ment Shoes

I'm trying very hard to keep busy so, my mind will be filled only with the tasks at hand.  The trouble is, I'm getting distracted from my distractions.  So far I've done a good job of not wallowing in a pool of self pity and doubt, but that urge to trudge on is taking its toll.  I keep feeling  exhausted and a headache is almost guaranteed by 2pm.  I am picturing my synapses waging war on one another, trying to keep my attention.  It feels like a tug of war is going on in my frontal lobe!

I know I need to switch gears, since the avoidance tactic is an unhealthy method for me.  (It always manifests itself in poor sleep habits, agitation (thank God for Ativan), and emotional eating.)  Up through this point I had done a decent job at staying with my feelings and not shoving them away.  I was taking them along with me, as expected, unwanted guests.

The difference, I think now, lies in the role reversal.  I feel like I am managing the business end of this possible pregnancy, despite Kelly's efforts to pull me in to the role she knows I want to occupy.  I want to be all over this like bubble gum under the church pew.  I want her to outsource part of her life to me, I'll even work on my Indian accent.  I will get there, it just takes time in my new cement shoes.  (I really thought they could have come up with something a little nicer, not a bow or ruffle on them anywhere, well at least they're not Crocs.)

Humbled by Support & Finding Nerves

In the last 2 days Ben & I have received an overwhelming amount of support, thanks and appreciation from the friends and family of Katy and Matt for which we are entirely grateful.  That being said, I still feel the same that I did when we started this - undeserving of the praise and appreciation.  I am blessed to have an easy time conceiving and throughout pregnancy so if I can help a deserving couple receive the gift of a lifetime, why wouldn't I?  The outcry has me very nervous at this point because the only thing I have done so far is not back out.  It has been said that I have offered an opportunity which is worthy of the thanks and appreciation but this isn't a done deal yet. 

Schrödinger's cat

Wow!  What a day!  This morning we got going so we could be at the Fertility Center at 10am.  I was still feeling stunned.  Ever since we had the transfer time given to us I've felt a bit sick.  Not in a bad way; just overwhelmed.

As usual Kelly and Ben kept us laughing.  The nurses were unaware of our situation of Gestational Carrier since it is so unusual in our state.  When they called Kelly back they expected her husband but not Matt and I!  I chimed in after the nurse called Kelly, "and company!".  We kept getting long sided glances and they put Kelly and her husband in a prep area to get  her undressed and we were told basically to wait here while it happened and Kelly was quick to dismiss this as was I.  They were a bit concerned about putting us all in the procedure room.  Ben, God love him, said, "If  anyone is going to step out, it's going to be me."  He said it so definitively.  That for some reason was so touching.  I can't express it.  It was so gallant.   They finally agreed to allow us all into the procedure room as long as we stayed out of the way.

Now We Wait - again....but this is The Big Wait

*Warning to Readers:  there are all sorts of thoughts, feelings and emotions attached to today.  Crazy experiences, inappropriate jokes, all sorts of things.  I'm just going to write.  I'm not going to worry about making it flow or be in any sort of logical order.  I'm just going to get it out.  I'm sorry if it's confusing but I'm kind of not.

The transfer was a piece of cake and almost slightly anticlimactic.  I'm not really sure what I was expecting...maybe the embryos on a velvet pillow announced by the playing of a trumpet.  I don't know.  Katy sat right next to me and we held hands and Ben stood on my other side and we held hands and I'm assuming Katy and Matt were holding hands but I doubt Matt and Ben were holding hands.  It was quick.  Very quick.  Yes we got to watch the whole thing through an ultrasound but it was very hard to tell what was happening - even after the doctor pointed out where the embryos went.  There were 2 of them and they scored very high on their stickability.  I believe Katy said that hadn't yet had any come out of the deep freeze and score so well so I've been thinking we have this in the bag x 2.  I was very proud of Katy.  She was amazingly well collected.  She had tears but I could see a huge weight be lifted from her shoulders:  first, the issue of me backing out was no longer a concern and second there were embryos that not only survived but appeared to be rock stars!  But the longer the day goes on the more I feel like I did with my first pregnancy.  Over thinking every ping, pang, twing, leakey feeling (which would be the progesterone gel that I have to insert daily).  I get nervous.  What if I went to the bathroom 1 too many times?  I laid flat on my back for almost an hour more than required.  That was only possible thanks to Katy & Matt brining an Olive Garden lunch and "Baby Mama" for our viewing enjoyment.  It was funny that Katy said OG sounded good because that has always been a special place for me and Ben.  Our first date in 1994 was there, our second first date in 2002, we ate there after we got married, ate there after our first doctors appointment where we heard our first baby's heartbeat, etc, etc.  And unknowning to that - Katy gets a craving for that.  Fate? A sign?

Now that we officially have our time. (Friday @ 10:30).  I'm feeling a little stunned.  It feels a lot like when I had a concussion.  I can't really focus on one thing and I look at the clock and see that hours have passed and I have no clue what I've done for that period of time.  I'm making my usual lists but rarely marking anything off as done.

I am excited but I'm trying to keep that feeling under wraps so I can keep my emotions realistic.  Oddly, mostly, I feel scared.  We are leaping from the world of theory and preparation into the possibility of creating a life.  Not just creating a life but creating one in a very unconventional way.  I know I've said this before but I just don't know what to do here.  I'm struggling to find a role, a niche, something familiar and I can't- it does not exist.  That powerlessness makes me a little sick to my stomach.

I am also having to rectify some powerful emotions that I expected to feel.  The feeling of jealousy.  It doesn't feel like the right word but it's as close as I have.  There is the feeling of grief, that, if this is to work, someone else will be carrying our baby.  That, I will not feel the kicking directly, the infants hiccups, that I won't have even the negative stuff involved with pregnancy like, heart burn, puking, exhaustion, and all the other difficult parts that make up pregnancy as a whole.  Matt will never place his hands on my stomach to feel the baby kick, or whisper good nights to our child through my skin.  Our baby will not know our voices as it will know Kelly's loving voice.   Yes, there is definitely grief.  And I have expected its coming.

There is also the fear of if this works.  Then what?  What are Matt and I going to do with a baby?  Jeese, what if we're crappy parents?  My nightmare always consists of going about my day and realizing I haven't fed the child all day long and we have nothing but adult food to give!  My mind, thankfully, is unable to wrap around the idea of multiples so I'm safe, right now at least, from those fears.

But then there is the fear of the worst case scenario.  The case that involves a phone call Thursday night or when we get there Friday morning and they tell us none have survived the thaw or that they all look really crappy and our chances of stick-ability are very, very low.

Unsurprisingly, all these conflicting emotions are making my head spin.  I'm exhausted and feeling worthless when it comes to keeping up on my To-Do list.  To be absolutely honest, I just want it over with; the transfer and the two week wait, all of it.  I want to know definitively so I can move on with the next stage in my life, whatever that may be.

Friday, June 18th 10:30 a.m.

That is "T Day".  Check in is at 10:00 and procedure is at 10:30.  I'm not nervous or scared - I'm too nauseous to think about anything other than trying not to be nauseous...and dizzy.  I know I looked horrible all day today because 2 of my bosses asked my about 3 times if I was ok or feeling ok.  I think I must have looked in pain or very uncomfortable.  I'm assuming this is all the hormones and if so, this starts off worse than a naturally conceived pregnancy - not to mention it happens with a tube instead of....well you know where I'm going with that.  

The strength a woman must need to go through this is unbelievable.  And other than the recent nausea, I have been a superstar oven:  no marks or bruises from any shots, not even so much as a tiny needle mark, no horrible side-effects, and I cycle so well that I didn't even have to repeat an US or blood draw.  Even with all of those positive things - this is still hard.  It is always on your mind - and I have 2 kids.  I can't imagine trying to have my first child by going through this process.  The body can never not be stressed or not thinking about this.  In a way - you almost always have to think about it and even more so the closer you get to T Day.   I certainly didn't enter into this lightly or expect it to be a walk in the park but I also didn't expect it to be quiet as mentally draining.  Every day I gain more and more respect for the women and couples who have to go through this.

I'm sure I speak for all 4 of us when I say, "I'm just ready to know something one way or another."  And as far as me:  I'm ready for my own organic, self-made hormones to take over.

Prepped for landing

My biggest fear: The Trigger Shot. It's done. I know I've said it before but my husband is a good poker ;-)  I didn't even feel it - for an intramuscular shot in the upper quadrant of the buttock - I. AM. IMPRESSED.  In very simple terms this shot kind of tricks my body into thinking it's pregnant so it will start to do the biological things needed to support pregnancy - thus creating a warmer, more comfortable environment for these little embryos.  The only thing left at this point is to start some antibiotics and a few other hormonal boosters needed to support pregnancy (I'll spare you the boring details). 

I didn't even know this was my biggest fear until we watched the how-to video and it freaked me out! (See the video link below)  Of all the things in this whole process - this was what was freaking me out!  The last butt shot I remember was when I was maybe 15 and it was in the ER and it turned out I had strep throat so they gave me a shot to get the antibiotic in my system faster.  Well - I jumped.  The needle came out.  And they had to re-stick.  Ya.  Not a fond memory.  After the training video my text to Katy was "OMG.  This could be a deal breaker.  JK  I know bad joke.  But seriously.  Shit."  Without meaning to I threw her into panic mode and she called right away.  Her and Matt gave us some good advice, we hung up, I started to ice my rear and then we got the ingredients, started to mix, had a "Good God you could kill me" moment and then we called Katy and Matt again just to make sure that I could do this laying down.  Well at that point it was a group activity.  It was almost like they were right there with us ;-) When I announced we were done there were lots of hooraying and "Go Team" coming from their end and as always we ended with our smart-ass jokes and humor, ranging from "All systems go" to "So what do we do with the powder in the other vile" (which is the actual drug that needs to be mixed with the sterile water) to "We're clear for landing" and I believe it ended with a round of good nights and I love yous.  

No more needles.  We are prepped for landing.

The Fertility Center  (On the bottom of the page click "Free Injection Training" and then select the option on the bottom left for "HCG")  

It's the Final Final Countdown!

Really what can I say?  As you may have read in Katy's earlier post the US and blood work this morning went good and apparently I am a Superstar Ovulater.  Not only do we not need another US or more blood work, but the transfer is happening about 4-5 days earlier than we thought.  Which is good because it means less time off of work but it's shocking because Katy had me fully thinking that Thursday would be another US and lab.  So when the nurse called and said "Tonight you'll do the HCG shot." I almost fell of my chair!  WHAT?!  I haven't looked that far into the med switch for the final few days....I haven't crammed for the test....Now my whole little Cycle-Day-day-of-the-month-what-drugs-when chart/calendar is all off!!!!  Well there's nothing like a little shot of adrenaline to clear up the severe nausea that the FSG shot seemed to be causing.  I think we're all in a bit of shock.  The start of this seems so long ago but these last few weeks have flown by.  Please send all of your positive thoughts, energy, prayers, offerings, whatever it is you may do, to us this Friday morning.  And as always - we'll keep you posted.

A shot fired....

What a flippin' day!  Last night I accidentally took my full dose of medication which keeps me asleep.  So this morning when my alarm went off at 6am and I thought I hit snooze, I actually his dismiss.  Matt woke me when he got up at 7!  Thankfully I showered before I went to bed.  The appointment was at 8:30 and I hit really bad construction traffic because I missed the exit that would have taken me around it, then a car hit a deer not to far in front of me and everyone was swerving.  It was a total mess.

"T" day is fast approaching.  It is difficult, to be honest, not knowing what the actual date will be.   At this stage we have not even an illusion of control.

The emotional end is starting to make itself more known.  It's confusion and anxiety mostly.  I hate not having a precedent set, having some knowledge of the situation to fall back on.  I've always known I'm more ridged than I care to admit but this situation really emphasizes that.  Not knowing the date officially, puts my stomach into knots.  Can't I have something so simple as a date?  An estimated date is not enough.  Something so concrete as a date offers sense, order, and with that peace of mind.  I'm a planner, an obsessive list maker, how do I do this?

Nothing too exciting...just frustration and complaining.

I'm 3 shots in and so far so good.  The day after the first one I could really feel my ovaries similar to my normal cycle but much more exaggerated and on both sides - where normally I only really feel one side.  I was in super-@itch mode most of the day and was worried the shot was giving me similar emotional PMS reactions but now I don't think so.  Today I haven't noticed anything physical - even from the injection sites. 

The further in my cycle days we get the more loose ends there seem to be that need to be tied up.  And as much as we were bombarded with information between our first two appointments, there sure does seem to be a lot of information that was left out.  Or information that should have been given right off the bat.

Officially Preheating (is that one word?)

First shot went in tonight.  I had a little anxiety because it has to be done right during our evening rush hour (6p-8p) and I wasn't sure how we would handle it with the kids around.  I figured the first time would be very clumsy and take time.  Thank God for small favors because the only 5 minutes all night the kids were distracted away from us was at the exact time we needed it to be.  The shot was not bad.  At all.  Actually the discomfort/burn after is worse than the poke.  Kudos to Ben for being a good poker ;-)  Hee-Hee-Hee.  (Sorry, I couldn't pass up the opportunity for some junior high immature humor there.)  It was really so painless and simple that I'm thinking I'll be able to just do them myself from here on out.  But we'll see.  And Katy is RIGHT:  the smell is awful and it hits pretty quick.  But what she didn't mention (most likely because she assumed she was nuts or hallucinating) was that it somehow penetrates and has a "taste" on your lips.  It was so weird.  Really weird.  It was like putting on a rotten chapstick that you can smell and taste.  I was relieved that she had the same experience with it.  But I'll be prepared tomorrow and have something to drink ready to chase the shot with - something with a lot of acid, Coke, Mt. Dew or red wine....wine has a lot of acid right - that might work the best ;-)  If anyone is interested in seeing this shot or how it gets injected (or really has no life and nothing better to do with their time) I've put the link below.  So, grab your popcorn, sit back and enjoy!  (On the bottom of the page click "Free Injection Training" and then select the option on the left for "Gonal-f RFF Pen")

http://www.fertilitycentermi.com/

All Systems Go! Well - for this step....

Just a quick update....I had my ultrasound this morning just to check out my uterus and ovaries.  Basically just to measure my uterine lining, ovaries, count my follicles (7 on one side, 6 on the other.  I know - exciting isn't it?!) and to "make sure there's nothing there" - as the US tech put it.  I said "there better not be!"  But since me, Ben, Katy and Matt previously discussed that regardless of who's genetics come out after 40 weeks - it's leaving with them, I wasn't concerned if there had been anything there.  But seriously - "nothing" referred to cysts.  Apparently the FSH shot can cause the cysts to become larger, or get bigger.  Anyways - nothing there but a welcoming little environment just waiting for something to nurture.  So - the shots start tomorrow night and then Monday morning I will have my next US and a blood draw.  Those 2 things, I believe, will tell us if I need more shots and/or the transfer date.  Moving along....

"I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty I've got whozits and whatzits galore (You want thingamabobs? I got twenty)"

Yes - those were almost the exact words that danced through my head as I spread all my info and meds out over my entire living room floor last Friday night in a panic.  Why panic?  Panic was set off because I initially I couldn't find my bag that had all the directions and schedules in it - the play book to put it bluntly and because I'm a procrastinator and, as Katy has mentioned, this is all very time sensitive - allowing almost no room for error.  Plus this is not my investment to screw up!  All last week I knew my period would be coming and knew I should get out the schedule and the meds and make sure that everything was clear so I would have everything semi-mapped out in my head.  But I didn't so I ended up running around like a chicken with my head cut off thinking "They're trusting me to carry a child and I lost the directions before we've even started!  Great!"  I reassured myself with "Well....you get what you pay for!"

So take a deep breath and here we go....  Kelly let me know her period came a knockin' on Saturday.  The first "Cycle Day" (CD) is always a big one.  After many calls and voice mails, we finally spoke to someone so we could schedule an ultra sound (US) for tomorrow.  Every single element of this is time sensitive and it was extremely frustrating, to put it mildly, to keep hitting a brick wall when trying to get this scheduled.  Not only does Kelly need a US on CD5, she also has to start her Folical Stimulating Hormone shots (FSH).  Even the injections are timed!

The good news is that The Fertility Center has opened an office in Sparrow Hospital in East Lansing.  This means that Kelly won't have to drive all the way to Grand Rapids for her ultrasounds and estridol testing (E2(Sick of all the abbreviation yet?)), which is a simple blood draw.  These have to be done every two to three days toward the end of the procedure.  So, it will be nice to save her the trip for the quicker appointments. 

The first US is tomorrow morning at 8 am.  I'm nervous about finding the hospital and the drive.  Kelly offered their hospitality but I have too much to do tonight to accept.  The nurse will be looking at Kelly's ovaries to make sure they are free of cysts and that everything still looks good.  The injection she will start tomorrow night (FSH) will stimulate the ovaries to produce fat and healthy ovum.  If Kelly were to have cysts this hormone could enlarge them.  The medicine is in a large pen, kind of like an EpiPen but bigger, it stings a bit when injected.  The medicine will go just under the skin.  The medicine, called Gonal F, stinks.  It has been a long time since I've used it and I can still recall the scent.  *gack*

Matt  and I made contact again with our lawyer who specializes in gestational carrier law.  We will mail out our check for the first phase tomorrow.  This first phase is relatively easy and quick thankfully.  I'm actually a little relieved to have something to do on our end.  We'll have a conference call in the next day or so to set up the pre-birth order (PBO).  I've written some about that earlier, but this is the contract that allows Matt and my name to be placed on the birth certificate immediately after the  birth.  The turnaround  for this contract is short, approximately 2 days, and is relatively easy.  I guess the contract is supposed to be fairly standard.  We thankfully have a good friend who is also a lawyer so she explains the pieces that may be over our heads! 

So on the personal and emotional end of this, things feel very strange.  It seems to be constantly in the back of my mind and attaches itself to random thoughts like an unexpected barnacle.  I spend a lot of time with my niece, who is the sunshine of my life, and I keep thinking how nice it wold be for her to have a cousin.  I look at our house in a new way too.  I wonder where the hell are we going to put all the stuff that comes along with a child. 

I seem to have allowed my self more hope than I really wanted to feel.  I'm sure that sounds strange, but I think I will do better keeping hope at arms length.  I still want to be able to see it, maybe touch it with my finger tips, but I don't want to do this without the safety net of doubt.  I bet that sounds crazy, but until you've had hope stripped from you violently, doubt can feel like a real blessing.  Reality has doubt wrapped deeply and tightly into the threads of its web. Hope is the shimmer of the silk and I do still hope.

So tomorrow is the next step forward and it is exciting.  I wish Matt could be there to hold my hand through this, if not to be a path finder to the hospital and then to listen to me comment on Kelly's skinny ass hips on the way home! 

We have a tentitive transfer date of the 18th of June and I will be keeping you all posted along the way. 

I would also like to thank you all for the out pouring of support you've offered.  I think this support has carried us through the days where we didn't have the energy to move on our own.  We rely on it more than you could possibly know.  I would like to thank all of Kelly and Ben's family and friends we had the pleasure of meeting at Ben's graduation party.  The support you've offered Ben and Kelly means the most of all.

Much Love and Many Thanks,
Katy Taber

Meeting the other half

there was a celebration for Ben's graduation party last weekend and it was A LOT of fun.  I had the opportunity to meet Ben and Kelly's parents, siblings, and friends.  To be honest, I was really nervous.  What would they think of me?  How could I put their loved one through this?  What kind of nut-job am I? (Is nut-job hyphenated?) I can absolutely respect these questions as I still have yet to grasp all of it.  I can't get past the feeling of it just being "weird".  That's the closest word I have for the concept.  

Anyway, I hope that regardless of the impression (good I hope) that I've made that you all will continue to support the Botwinski's and us through the fast approaching adventure.

Come on June Menstrual Cycle !!!!

Mother's Day

So, I haven't posted in a while so here is some catch up....


I had a really rough time the night before Mother's Day.  My husband and I had a huge fight and that chaffed against the already raw nerve.  Mother's Day is always the worst holiday for me and that makes sense, I suppose.  I sent flowers to Kelly since I wasn't there to hug her, which I like to do, for some reason she just makes me feel better.  I think it's her optimism.  I spent the night sobbing, feeling like a hot mess. 
But on the actual day, Matt worked so hard to keep me busy.  We went to Electric Cheetah for a great lunch, and the book store, and numerous other places.  Spending the time alone with my husband, which is rare for us, was wonderful and a great distraction. 

Just one of those days

Today I had to run some simple errands- the beauty supply store, Cost-Co and Meijer.  Easy enough.  But, in fact, it was not simple enough.   Today was just one of those days.  The kind of days that only someone who has experienced the brutality of infertility can understand.  It was pregnant woman's day out.  Everywhere I looked, bulging bellies and infants in there snug little carriers.  You couldn't swing a wine bottle with out smacking someone, or mutter a really decent explicative with out a mother-to-be covering their stomach and giving me a dirty look.  (My favorite on these days is Fucking Fornicators)

Of course under all this stress a movie-style panic attack bat at me like those tiny baby fists.  As my head was swirling and my heart was pounding, I headed straight for the liquor aisle.  It's not what you think.  It's a safe zone.  A baby free zone.  (However being surrounded by glass in this state isn't a great idea, but the pillow aisle was too far away- and I think they frown upon people scream into pillows that you have not intention of buying)  I stayed there for a while resting.  I tried to que up calming music on my ipod, and when that didn't work, I went to angry music- good screw you! music.  I decided since I was already in the aisle I'd grab some possibly necessary bottles and then get the hell out of there.  I charged my way through the rest of the store, sporting what must have been a great snarling look because most people had the sense to part like the frickin' Red Sea.

After I got into my car, I rested my head on the steering wheel, bawling.  Then, I did what every self sufficient adult does, I called my mommy.  I cried and bitched my way back to sanity.  (Thanks for listening Ma) These days are par for the course in the bleak wold of infertility.  It wasn't the first and I'm certain it won't be the last.

Tick-tock

So, this past Monday we had our Mock ET and Sonohystogram.  It seemed to go really well.  It was great to go through this with Kelly.  I actually laughed, truly laughed, during the appointment.  I thought it went really well.

 A schedule was tentatively set for the end-ish of May.  I like having a plan and time frame.  It seems to help me keep the priories straight, you know?  This next, then that.  It allows for an illusion of control and who doesn't love that?

 The next step will be a few days after Kelly's next cycle starts.  Days later she'll start the meds, a series of shots, vag suppositories and pills followed by 2 or 3 days of ultrasounds and E2's (estrogen testing).  The end date won't be scheduled until the last minute.  So...take a deep breath and let's go!

"Oh boy. What did we just do?"

That was thought after finding out that my husband and I were pregnant with #2.  Mind you, we were trying and we thought we'd have 3 kids so why would this be the thought that entered my mind?  Here's my rationale:  with our first pregnancy we were stupid.  All we knew was we wanted a family so we started trying. As soon as you start trying all you focus on (by 'you' I mean the woman because I'm sure the man is just focusing on the next time he can fertilize the field) is finding out if you're pregnant.  Because we nailed it the first time there weren't too many emotions to deal with, opportunity for doubt or second guessing.  My famous quote/philosophy about marriage, pregnancy, birthing, and raising kids is simply:  You don't know until you know; you may think you know - but you don't know.   There are only 2 types of reactions to that statement, 1) you're laughing, you get it and you know I'm right...you can think of all the things people said to you about marriage, pregnancy, and kids that you kind of blew off or thought you were sooooo smart and it wouldn't be that way for you and then it was! 2) you have a 'ya right lady' look on your face because you're soooo smart and it won't be that way for you.  To that I simply and smugly say: just wait.

Movin' down the line

So Friday I spoke to Christine, our Donor Coordinator, at length about where we are.  I feel really lucky to have her being the one to do the hand holding here.  She really knows her stuff and is very personable.  She calms me and excepts my humor that often is inappropriate.  It's very exciting and nerve wracking how fast all of this will move after Monday's appointment.  So much so fast.  I'm almost glad that it's going to be as fast as it is.  The waiting can be excruciating, especially when you involve a third party.  I am getting a little panicky about the whole thing but I think that's normal- so many emotions at one time, and having no control.  It's stress, but exciting stress.  I'll let you all know how Monday's appointment goes as soon as I can. 

MOCK (not like mocking, but like practice)

So Monday is the next big step.  I'm getting kind of nervous actually.  I  A very weird situation in which I don't have a precedent for how I'm supposed to feel, act, or react.  So, I'm just trying to go with the flow and take it one day at a time.  It's all just so odd, will it ever feel normal?  I doubt it but that's okay.  The process is a gift in its self, not to mention the miracle Kelly and Ben are offering us even if it doesn't work.

The other part of me is getting ansty in the pantsy.  I'm excited.  I know each step so well now that I feel like I can offer Kelly the appropriate support with the coordinating procedure.  Monday isn't really a difficult thing.  It's a practice run basically.  They figure out all the tools (the size of the catheter use to transfer the egg etc) to use so they can, ah, jump right in there (?) on the day of the embryo transfer.  They also perform what's called a Sonohystogram.  It sounds much more scary than it is.  It is just an ultrasound with a full bladder to get a really good picture of the cervix.  It's just uncomfortable because you really, really have to pee. 

I feel like I should be bringing Kelly something to entertain her during the procedure.  I could read her a book, or maybe bring her a muffin basket?  I wonder if she likes lemon poppy seed or prefers blueberry.  Sorry, I digress, so things start to really get moving after Monday's appointment.  Maybe a hot beverage?  No, she'll already have to pee.  I can't really give her a gift 'cause that's illegal.  Who makes gift giving illegal?  I get people sometime over do it, sorry Kelly, I can't afford to buy you a car but thanks for the baby!

Dear Kelly

Dear Kelly,

I love you, I miss you, are you menstruating yet?

Thanks, Bye

Timing is Everything

After being diagnosed with the PCOS, the doctor strongly recommended going on the South Bitch diet.  I know I need to loose weight.  I've known for a long time that I need to loose weight...but, well, it's just so hard.  I'm an emotional eater, happy, sad, whatever.  And I love beer and wine!  Ugh!

I've been on the damn diet a week and 2 days.  I have lost 12 lbs.  Great. Peachy. Wonderful.  My face is thinning out, my pants are looser-as are my bra's.  Oberon (one of my favorite summer time beers) was just released on Monday and I really, really want one.  My niece's 1st birthday party was Saturday and that means cake.  My kryptonite.  I took some cake home and froze it in pieces so I could have it as a reward after we move into phase 2 (which happens to be Easter Sunday.  Sonsofbitches.)  What I wouldn't give for some cake and an Oberon. 

The reason I post this here is because of the emotional part.  As I wait, I want something to enjoy, ie cake and beer.  I know this is the right thing to do but it still sucks balls.  

Never thought I'd say that

I called Kelly last night to jokingly ask if Ben still had all of his teeth ('cause of my dream).  Kelly hadn't read the post so she put me on speaker phone and I related the nightmare to their accompanying chuckles.  We had a short conversation to which I ended.  "Don't forget to call me when you get your period!"  I could almost here the eye roll!  When I hung up the phone, I kind of stared at it for a minute thinking "did I really just say that?"  Wow, this stuff messes with your thoughts big time!  When else would you say something like that?  Or, for that matter, be selfishly excited for someone menstrual cycle?  When did I become a period cheerleader? 

Bad Dreams

For the first time since we started this endeavor, I found myself having a nightmare about it.  It wasn't the nightmare that was unexpected, actually I was more surprised that I hadn't had any sooner, but it still shook me.
 I dreamed that Kelly had called me in the middle of the night.  She was frustrated.  She told me they had missed paying their rent because we took to long reimbursing her for expenses, and that Ben's teeth were falling out and that they didn't have the money to get his mouth fixed because we hadn't gotten them a check yet.  Then, very frankly, Kelly stated I'm sorry but you are going to have to do this without us.  I told her I understood and felt oddly calm.  It was as if as I expected it.  My physical response was what scared the shite out of me.  My heart pounded, blood screamed through my veins, and I had to scream, but like all my nightmares I am muted by the dream.  As I fought to scream, I also fought to breathe.  Finally, I woke, gasping.  The air almost hurt as a dragged it deep. 
Then, a shot of cough syrup and I was back on a river boat to the land of Nodd.

"Soooo - do you wanna make a condom run?" & Invoicing

Thursday morning at work I got a call about 9:30 that my OBGYN had a cancellation for the annual I had scheduled in July and I could come at 12:30.  PERFECT!  At that point my annual, my IUD removal, and some signed consent were about the last three things I had to complete until showing up for the trial run.  I had been slacking on the annual but I did have the IUD removal scheduled for March 30th and honestly had forgotten about the consent thing....but I'll get that in the mail ;-)  At 11:30 I was off.

The good, the blood, and the WTF

Friday Matt and I had our first appointment with the specialist.  It started with a bit of paperwork and then a lot of labs.  They drew about 3 to 4 vials of blood from each of us to check for all sorts of stuff (AIDS, HIV, and other communicable diseases).

When we finally met with the doctor I was so tight with tension that if you flicked me with a finger I'd vibrate right out of the room.  Ugh, I tried so hard to breathe deep and keep a handle on the questions I wanted to ask but that became quickly difficult.  My head was spinning a bit.  I don't know how to do this!  I want a manual!  Finally, I gathered myself enough to start asking questions.  There were only a few that I needed answered at this stage.  I wanted statistics.  For a creative person, I cling unusually strong to facts.  I was relieved to hear that with the quality of our eggs, we had approximately a 45-48% chance of one embryo implanting.  That was better than we expected.  A smile, but it quickly faded as I had my chance to ask the fear that has been plaguing me since we've begun this.  I cleared my throat, it was amazingly difficult to find my voice.  I asked about the thawing success rate.  I have been concerned that none would serve the thaw.  That we would have gone through this all but to no avail, and worse, that Kelly and her family would too.  A significant part of the difficulty here is that we are drawing others into our struggle.  But this is a lesson in trust; not just trust, but love.

Up coming Appt

Matt and I have our first appointment with our specialist on Friday.  Well, first for these series of procedures.  I'm really interested in what all will be discussed.  I'm beginning to wonder if at every step they'll keep verifying that we know what we are getting into.  It's easy to say yest about the procedures but can anyone be truly prepared for the success of the procedures and the onslaught of what follows...let alone bringing home a baby!  I know that is the whole point but I don't think anyone truly knows what they are getting into when they bring a child home. 

I hate the hurry up and wait portion of this all.  I wish it was here and all done, with results so we can move on one way or another.

Step 3: Blood work

Ben and I are both required to have a full blood work up to test for communicable diseases so there's no possibility of us infecting the embryo(s) and Katy and Matt have to do the same thing so their embryo(s) don't infect us.  Just more of that stuff that makes you realize just how much stuff goes into this.  I went and had my draw this morning and, true to form, it was an experience.  I have no problem with needles, I have great veins (thanks mom and dad!) and I'm an easy draw.  Really can't mess me up.  But boy did I mess them up.  The whole place kind of felt like an alternate universe.  

Mark your Calenders folks! Here comes the Vagina Exploration!

We have a big step on the calender now.  The Sonohystogram (SHG) and Mock Embryo Transfer (Mock ET) have been scheduled.  This is a big deal!  A really big step in the process.  Basically they are mapping out the terrain.  Things until then will be quiet but after that, things will get very busy.  I'm happy.

Truth

So in a moment of avoidance of my paper, I googled "hope" after I reread one of Kelly's posts.  And it struck me... hope is an expectation.  It may be combined with things like faith but in its essence it is an expectation.  No wonder we struggle with "hoping" this all will work out.  Our expectations in the past have been defeated so thoroughly wouldn't it be foolish not to lower our expectations now? 

I do suppose it is different this time.  There are so many new variables to consider but still, expectations when not met, can be the cruelest of cruel pain.

No Time Wasted

Well, I guess it's official; at least according to the billing department of our specialist's office!  It surprises me that they can charge for storage when a plan is in place for usage.  I don't know why it surprises me.  Hey what's another $100 in the scheme of things.  It truly is pocket change at the end of the day I guess.  Until you write the check that is!

Legal

Well, the legal conference call went better than I expected.  He seemed very knowledgeable and personable.  He walked us through each step at a perfect pace and was incredibly thorough.  The greatest information was about the Pre-Birth Order (PBO).  This document is set into place as soon as we really get going.  This document allows for Matt and I to be the "natural parents", this means our names will immediately be placed on the birth certificate.  The biggest part is that it allows for us NOT to have to adopt our own child and all that entails (home visit, social worker, court fees and other fees).  This PBO was something, that in my personal research, that wasn't always clear as to whether Michigan allowed it.  Thankfully the state does.

This particular attorney's office does things in stages and make things very clear and for lack of a better phrase "user friendly".  Also the fees are some of the most reasonable. :)  There is still a lot to know but I feel comfortable in saying that this hand we are holding will guide us well.

Walking Under Water

I spent Tuesday feeling like I was walking underwater, my brain numb and fuzzy, that is, until I came down with a migraine.  I wanted so badly to be a fly on the wall during Kelly's appointment.  I knew how tedious it can be and I wanted to be there to draw inappropriate pictures or crack some random joke; anything to make her smile and laugh.  The whole process is so button-down serious, and maybe that's how it should be, but it feels suffocating to anyone with a sense of humor or a sense of time! 

I really pray that every step of this process isn't as maddening as it was for me all those times past.  It constantly feels like hurry up and wait.  Right now it feels like slogging through the mud.  Each step is difficult because your foot is being held onto by thick, sticky mud and all you really want is to sprint.

Finding gratitude among paperwork, new medical terms and information overload

Wow!  Ben and I had our first appointment at The Fertility Center (From here on referred to as TFC) and I should have been better prepared.  The appointment, which I was lead to believe would be 2 hours, was 3 hours!  45 minutes of which was a 300 question personality test given to me in a 9x9 room!  Well who wouldn't have a 'personality' after that?  I swear, if I read one more question that asked me if I was hearing voices, see things other people don't, think people are out to get me or watching me - I was going to run up and down the halls pulling my hair out!  Really?  If I was paranoid do they honestly think I would 1) be completing the survey, or 2) be honest about it?

preparing for a hand cramp

So the appointment to have a preliminary conversation with the lawyer has been made.  It's an information gathering appointment.  I think this part will be interesting since I've always found law fascinating and maddening all at the same time.  Though nothing put into writing or rules being set. Kelly, Ben, and Matt and I have a lot to talk about before that.

"Just write tummy tuck into your budget"

Last night Katy bravely, trustingly and maybe partially naively, informed me that there are 3 embryos, not 2.
T H R E E.
3.
1. 2. 3.
1 more than 2.
*gulp*
She casually adds, "it really doesn't increase the risk."  The 'risk' being a multiple birth.  Easy for her to say. Well not really I guess because the 'risk' goes home with her!

First Appiontment

Today Matt and I went in for our first appointment as "Intended Parents". I was unable to sleep last night even after a hit from some cough syrup, but all to no avail. I expected some familiarity with the situation. After all, it's the same staff and the physical procedure I've gone through. But it was different today. They've changed their name and the facility is larger and my role has changed. It felt a bit surreal.

First Step

Tomorrow is our first appointment. We will meet with the counselor and then our donor coordinator who will hold our hand up until the procedure. I like her very much and she has been very, very helpful. This feels like putting the first foot out the door before a very long run. That could be a poor analogy since I don't run unless being chased. None the less, here we go!

How and Why We Chose Gestational Surrogacy

I always felt that surrogacy was a weird concept. I understood it on the surface but it just seemed strange. How could you really trust a stranger to carry your child? Why would they do it? Why would they put themselves through such an ordeal? The only answer I had was money. There was a fair amount of money to be made in housing someone's baby.

Laying the ground work

Thursday night I told my mom and sister that I am going to attempt to be a surrogate.  YIKES!!  My mom reacted like a mom.  Dead silence, that required a "Hello?" on my part, followed by some natural top-of-the mind questions.  Her biggest concern is that first and foremost I am her daughter and she wants me to be ok.  My mom and I are very similar in more ways than I sometimes care to admit out loud or in writing.  One of those ways is that we need time to process major things.  What they mean.  Cause and effect.  Outcomes.  Reactions.  So I understood her supportive but calm, hesitant reaction.
Then I called my sister.