Ok. Pretty much the title says it all. I'm not sure that I have too much to say, especially anything vital, important or emotional but I'm sure that everyone is wondering what's happening on our end and how we're feeling before the big day. Or maybe my thinking is slightly narcissistic.
I had been just fine until I got home this evening, got on Facebook and was greeted by a flurry of well wishes, luck, prayers and positive thoughts and now my mind is kind of starting to swirl into an emotional hurricane. The #1 question I get asked is if I'm nervous. I don't know that nervous would be among my emotions but to be honest, I don't know if I could even pick them apart but I just feel like nervous isn't in there. Part of me just thinks of tomorrow as an end - the finish line. No matter what the result is - tomorrow is the end of a lot of things in a lot of ways. Like Katy said in her post, isn't it more about the fear of the unknown rather than the known. I don't know what a negative result means; I don't know where I go after that, what I do, what happens with The Oven and GM relationship. Will I feel like I failed? Will I question whether or not I could have done one little thing differently that could have made a difference? How long and how hard will I grieve? I don't know and I don't pretend to know. Maybe it's best I don't know right now.
In many ways, for me and Ben, this has become more than just "giving them an opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise had." It's revisiting the excitement and nerves of wanting to become parents and wanting to give this amazing, deserving couple their own chance to experience that as their own. It's realizing how blessed we are, even during the times when the kids make us wonder which one of us thought having kids was a good idea. It's seeing life's beginning with a whole new perspective that we will never forget. It's been being honored with the most precious gift of all: trust. It is so many things. And no matter what part of me thought I understood that this was just an "opportunity", it's becoming clear to me that it this experience is more than that. We have been honored to be a part of this and to be so completely trusted with something so precious. To Katy and Matt: Thank you.
What I do know: If the test result is positive, well - been there done that, I'll be on with my night and something new will start on Wednesday.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Monday, June 28
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