I'm trying very hard to keep busy so, my mind will be filled only with the tasks at hand. The trouble is, I'm getting distracted from my distractions. So far I've done a good job of not wallowing in a pool of self pity and doubt, but that urge to trudge on is taking its toll. I keep feeling exhausted and a headache is almost guaranteed by 2pm. I am picturing my synapses waging war on one another, trying to keep my attention. It feels like a tug of war is going on in my frontal lobe!
I know I need to switch gears, since the avoidance tactic is an unhealthy method for me. (It always manifests itself in poor sleep habits, agitation (thank God for Ativan), and emotional eating.) Up through this point I had done a decent job at staying with my feelings and not shoving them away. I was taking them along with me, as expected, unwanted guests.
The difference, I think now, lies in the role reversal. I feel like I am managing the business end of this possible pregnancy, despite Kelly's efforts to pull me in to the role she knows I want to occupy. I want to be all over this like bubble gum under the church pew. I want her to outsource part of her life to me, I'll even work on my Indian accent. I will get there, it just takes time in my new cement shoes. (I really thought they could have come up with something a little nicer, not a bow or ruffle on them anywhere, well at least they're not Crocs.)
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Wednesday, June 23
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