Surrogacy & Friendship: A Journey of Hope and Love: February 2010

Genetic Material Mama's Story

The Boring Stuff:

My name is Katy, and I am half of the genetic material. (Or the "intended parent" if you want to get brushed up on your legal/medical jargon.) I am a 29 year old Michigander. I've been married for about 7 years to a great man named Matt.

Meeting My Future Baby Mama (is that supposed to be hyphenated?):

I met Kelly when I was hired on as a stylist in a mid-level salon. Soon after we became friends. She understood my sense of humor and wasn't put off my sometimes-lack-of-tact, and she wasn't afraid to tell me when I was saying something, um, unpalatable. I enjoyed the company of her and her husband and later her two amazing children.

As I watched Kelly progress through her first pregnancy it was as if I was watching what I would be like because we were so similar in a lot of ways. She took care of herself and had a supportive husband as well (shout out to the Baby Daddy here). Though if I remember correctly, she complained a lot less than I would have. I was not present for either births but Kelly remarked that they were mostly uneventful.

The Struggle:
By the time of the birth of her second child, a girl, my husband and I were aware of our struggle to conceive. Each month was a fresh slap in the face. I always felt it was ironic that there was blood involved because the wound in my heart felt that deep. Of course, everyone around us announced the expectancy of their own baby and it hurt terribly every time. Then the guilt followed for not being fully happy for them.

In June (I am uncertain of the year exactly, 2005 or 2006?), a few days before I was going to call the specialist, I had a late period which was not unusual for me but I took a test and it was positive. It was in the morning after I showered and in my towel I sank to the floor. I was stunned. The lines were bright and tears poured from my eyes. I heard my husband stir for his own morning routine and quickly pulled myself together. I hid the test. I wanted to tell him in some special way - not while in the back of his mind he was thinking he had to poop. I got ready in record time and left the house with my hair still wet and pee stick in hand. I could hardly stand it. I felt as though I was going to burst! Later I did burst but in a decidedly different way.

Maybe 3 weeks later I took another test. I'm not certain why. I think I wanted to see those lines pulsing at me like a neon sign again. This time there was only one line. The Control Line they call it. I called the doctor immediately and they drew blood and did a urine test, both were negative. They had told me not only was it negative, but I was never pregnant. It was a false positive. "But the stick said positive!" I shouted and thrust it at her. I had brought it with me. It was proof damn it! The stick lied. My mind whirled. How could it lie? It's job is truth. It's chemicals for Christ sake! It's science. It's fact. It is or it isn't. Not a lie. But science is apparently a fickle bitch when relied upon. I left the office in tears and dry heaved while holding onto my car.

My husband and I spent the next few days crying every whip-stitch. We had not done the wait-until-the-first-trimester-is-over-to-tell-everyone thing. Everyone close to us knew our story and struggle. We were too excited to hold back. I felt guilty for that. I felt that that lying stick had made me a liar too. I was utterly embarrassed and felt like a real fool.

Welcome To Infertility. Here is Your Complimentary Bag of New Shit to Deal With (oh, and tissues):

We went through the whole variety of tests, the most interesting being the Post Coital test. There really is nothing like scheduled sex to really heighten the romance. Then, you get to walk into the doctors office right after feeling like you have FORNICATOR written on your forehead. I was surprised at this point that they didn't ask, "So how was it". *TMI Alert* So they get us settled in the room and I, uh, assume the position and they check how many of his soldiers made it across the terrain, which is to say, next to none. In this procedure they were to check my cervical fluid, which apparently is supposed to be the consistency of egg whites. The nurse laughs and says, "well, I can already tell you this is not going to work for you. It's like rubber cement." Usually they analyze it, but that was just redundant after this.

We continued on to IUI's (Inter Uterine Insemination) and then to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and then to FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). The IUI's weren't so bad but the IVF and FET's were fraught with emotion and failure. Between the injections and other medications it was impossible not to have the experience run our life. Every thing was timed. We had to plan our days around our injections or pills. I had to leave work early or receive injections in the car. We had to find out what the policy was on bringing needles into a concert. My husband gave me almost all the injections. I knew it was hard for him to inflict pain on me each time. I could see it in his eyes. The injections left bruises and left me sore at the injection site. It wasn't pure hell but it was extremely difficult.

That's me! The oven!

My name is Kelly and I am the gestational carrier-to-be. I really hate that name. Surrogate is even a little weird to me. I don't know what the right name/term is - but I'm sure I'll find it before this is all over. Or maybe not. Who am I? Why am I doing this?

I am 32 years old, married to the love of my life (who also happens to be the best man and husband that has ever been), and a mom of two beautiful amazing children. My son is 5 and my daughter is 4, and yes, I am the genetic parent and gestational carrier for each of them. That is exactly why I am here.

My husband and I are living our fairy tale and while we may do things the hard way, everything has worked out exactly as we have wanted and hoped for. Even the unplanned, unseen things have been welcomed, life changing and defining moments for our family. We have much to be grateful for, try not to take anything for granted, and we live for today.

When we decided we were ready to start a family we were both lucky and blessed. We were pregnant on the first try with each child and we had no complications throughout either pregnancy. Prior to starting to try I had an appointment with my OB/GYN to have my IUD removed, discuss getting pregnant and start prenatals. During my pelvic, prior to removing the IUD, my doc remarked "You've got great hips! Oh, ya, you were made for having babies."

I have never forgotten that. If I have been given this body that handles pregnancy so well, why wouldn't I be a part of this opportunity to help our friends? By no means was this decision taken lightly by me or my husband. If he were not 100% supportive we would not be here. Obviously having kids the ages we do makes the decision more complicated and delicate. After much consideration and debate we decided that we could not withhold what we could potentially offer. This is not a sacrifice to me. This just is. Beyond the complicated facade it is very simple: We have these amazing, beautiful, ridiculously funny and loving friends who we know would do anything for us. So their oven's broken. No problem! They can borrow ours!

Thursday, February 25

Step 3: Blood work

Ben and I are both required to have a full blood work up to test for communicable diseases so there's no possibility of us infecting the embryo(s) and Katy and Matt have to do the same thing so their embryo(s) don't infect us. Just more of that stuff that makes you realize just how much stuff goes into this. I went and had my draw this morning and, true to form, it was an experience. I have no problem with needles, I have great veins (thanks mom and dad!) and I'm an easy draw. Really can't mess me up. But boy did I mess them up. The whole place kind of felt like an alternate universe.

Mark your Calenders folks! Here comes the Vagina Exploration!

We have a big step on the calender now. The Sonohystogram (SHG) and Mock Embryo Transfer (Mock ET) have been scheduled. This is a big deal! A really big step in the process. Basically they are mapping out the terrain. Things until then will be quiet but after that, things will get very busy. I'm happy.

Wednesday, February 24

Truth

So in a moment of avoidance of my paper, I googled "hope" after I reread one of Kelly's posts. And it struck me... hope is an expectation. It may be combined with things like faith but in its essence it is an expectation. No wonder we struggle with "hoping" this all will work out. Our expectations in the past have been defeated so thoroughly wouldn't it be foolish not to lower our expectations now?

I do suppose it is different this time. There are so many new variables to consider but still, expectations when not met, can be the cruelest of cruel pain.

Thursday, February 18

No Time Wasted

Well, I guess it's official; at least according to the billing department of our specialist's office! It surprises me that they can charge for storage when a plan is in place for usage. I don't know why it surprises me. Hey what's another $100 in the scheme of things. It truly is pocket change at the end of the day I guess. Until you write the check that is!

Wednesday, February 17

Legal

Well, the legal conference call went better than I expected. He seemed very knowledgeable and personable. He walked us through each step at a perfect pace and was incredibly thorough. The greatest information was about the Pre-Birth Order (PBO). This document is set into place as soon as we really get going. This document allows for Matt and I to be the "natural parents", this means our names will immediately be placed on the birth certificate. The biggest part is that it allows for us NOT to have to adopt our own child and all that entails (home visit, social worker, court fees and other fees). This PBO was something, that in my personal research, that wasn't always clear as to whether Michigan allowed it. Thankfully the state does.

This particular attorney's office does things in stages and make things very clear and for lack of a better phrase "user friendly". Also the fees are some of the most reasonable. :) There is still a lot to know but I feel comfortable in saying that this hand we are holding will guide us well.

Walking Under Water

I spent Tuesday feeling like I was walking underwater, my brain numb and fuzzy, that is, until I came down with a migraine. I wanted so badly to be a fly on the wall during Kelly's appointment. I knew how tedious it can be and I wanted to be there to draw inappropriate pictures or crack some random joke; anything to make her smile and laugh. The whole process is so button-down serious, and maybe that's how it should be, but it feels suffocating to anyone with a sense of humor or a sense of time!

I really pray that every step of this process isn't as maddening as it was for me all those times past. It constantly feels like hurry up and wait. Right now it feels like slogging through the mud. Each step is difficult because your foot is being held onto by thick, sticky mud and all you really want is to sprint.

Tuesday, February 16

Finding gratitude among paperwork, new medical terms and information overload

Wow! Ben and I had our first appointment at The Fertility Center (From here on referred to as TFC) and I should have been better prepared. The appointment, which I was lead to believe would be 2 hours, was 3 hours! 45 minutes of which was a 300 question personality test given to me in a 9x9 room! Well who wouldn't have a 'personality' after that? I swear, if I read one more question that asked me if I was hearing voices, see things other people don't, think people are out to get me or watching me - I was going to run up and down the halls pulling my hair out! Really? If I was paranoid do they honestly think I would 1) be completing the survey, or 2) be honest about it?

preparing for a hand cramp

So the appointment to have a preliminary conversation with the lawyer has been made. It's an information gathering appointment. I think this part will be interesting since I've always found law fascinating and maddening all at the same time. Though nothing put into writing or rules being set. Kelly, Ben, and Matt and I have a lot to talk about before that.

Wednesday, February 10

"Just write tummy tuck into your budget"

Last night Katy bravely, trustingly and maybe partially naively, informed me that there are 3 embryos, not 2.
T H R E E.
3.
1. 2. 3.
1 more than 2.
*gulp*
She casually adds, "it really doesn't increase the risk." The 'risk' being a multiple birth. Easy for her to say. Well not really I guess because the 'risk' goes home with her!

First Appiontment

Today Matt and I went in for our first appointment as "Intended Parents". I was unable to sleep last night even after a hit from some cough syrup, but all to no avail. I expected some familiarity with the situation. After all, it's the same staff and the physical procedure I've gone through. But it was different today. They've changed their name and the facility is larger and my role has changed. It felt a bit surreal.

First Step

Tomorrow is our first appointment. We will meet with the counselor and then our donor coordinator who will hold our hand up until the procedure. I like her very much and she has been very, very helpful. This feels like putting the first foot out the door before a very long run. That could be a poor analogy since I don't run unless being chased. None the less, here we go!

How and Why We Chose Gestational Surrogacy

I always felt that surrogacy was a weird concept. I understood it on the surface but it just seemed strange. How could you really trust a stranger to carry your child? Why would they do it? Why would they put themselves through such an ordeal? The only answer I had was money. There was a fair amount of money to be made in housing someone's baby.