Today Matt and I went in for our first appointment as "Intended Parents". I was unable to sleep last night even after a hit from some cough syrup, but all to no avail. I expected some familiarity with the situation. After all, it's the same staff and the physical procedure I've gone through. But it was different today. They've changed their name and the facility is larger and my role has changed. It felt a bit surreal.
The donor coordinator told us we had 3 embryos not 2. This may not sound like a big deal, but I felt as though I had been smacked in the forehead. "3. Not 2. 3. Not 2." was all I could think. It pounded in my head like the sound of a runner's feet on concrete. My prosaic mind could barely move on . My head snapped up at the term "selective reduction". I knew what that meant. A new batch of questions bubbled. My brain was filled with soapy, sudsy delicate bubbles; thinly, easily destroyed layers of hope over each bubble that encased a world of concern, worry, and confusion. I felt like I was drowning in a bubble bath I hadn't known I was in. And all over one microscopic embryo.
I tried to pay close attention to the financing part. The look of stress in my husband's eyes was there, and that's never an easy thing to witness. I'm afraid about that end of it too. There may be the option of cutting back school and working part time, but if this all works, I'm pretty sure this will be the end of school for awhile and that really sucks. A unplanned sabbatical maybe?
I had mentioned multiples to Kelly before and the statistics are still the same, and as I keep telling myself, they may not make it through the thaw. I'm just not sure how to plan for a future that is so uncertain and has so many variables.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Tuesday, February 9
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