In the last 2 days Ben & I have received an overwhelming amount of support, thanks and appreciation from the friends and family of Katy and Matt for which we are entirely grateful. That being said, I still feel the same that I did when we started this - undeserving of the praise and appreciation. I am blessed to have an easy time conceiving and throughout pregnancy so if I can help a deserving couple receive the gift of a lifetime, why wouldn't I? The outcry has me very nervous at this point because the only thing I have done so far is not back out. It has been said that I have offered an opportunity which is worthy of the thanks and appreciation but this isn't a done deal yet.
I'm nervous everyone is too excited too early. That is an odd statement for me because I'm usually on the positive end of the stick. In some ways, Katy and I have rubbed off on each other. I believe I have given her a little more hope than she normally allows herself to have and she has made me a little more grounded and apprehensive than I usually am. I'm sure that this is good for both of us. The timing is bad because the mental state of mind is so important while trying to conceive; not that I had to try to conceive but I have to try to create the most serene, comfortable, enticing environment so these little embryos will want to hang around and so when they decide to my body accepts them.
It's harder not to worry than I thought it would be. What would I worry about? I worry that I'm taking easy enough, what if I mess up or miss a medication (not really a concern anymore because there's only 2 of like 6 left - not counting the prenatal - and they're easy to keep straight), what if I forget and lift more than 10lbs, what if, what if, what if. It's like when you're pregnant with your first one and you're over cautious and ridiculous about everything but once you make it through that first pregnancy the rest are easy and you've come to realize that Mother Nature really has put them in a very safe little environment and it takes a lot to harm them. I believe that miscarriage is Mother Nature's way of saying something was not healthy with the fetus/embryo/baby whatever you choose to call it and therefore does what's in the best interest of the life/potential life. (I'm sorry if that seems insensitive but know that I have experienced miscarriage myself). This experience is different because it's not my embryo to take lightly - again, not that I would ever take my own lightly - but the responsibility is much greater. This is someone else's investment and dream that I've been trusted with and I do not want anything that I do to be doubted or questioned by myself or anyone else. Don't get me wrong - Matt and Katy have been awesome. I have probably asked and double checked things with them more than they've checked in on me. They've keep much more of a distance than I would have thought they would have. I know Katy is worried to death about smothering me but I might prefer to be smothered than to feel forgotten about ;-) I would have an easier time saying "You're driving me nuts!" than "I feel like you knocked me up and left me!" But this is an odd little "intermission" between the transfer and the pregnancy test. How much hovering and attaching do they do in this time? I don't know! I'm sure they don't know! And certainly there is no manual for any of this - at least until we publish ours ;-)
Seems like stuff that I should have thought about long before this, but sometimes you don't know what to think about until you know what there is to think about.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Sunday, June 20
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2 comments:
God, you know me so well that it is freaky sometimes. I do have one objection, you said the not backing out part is not worthy of praise. That, to Matt and I, is the biggest and most important part of all. I know to you this was a rational decision but for so many that kind of rationality is monumental. You are the best and most definitely worthy or the support and praise.
In this limbo stage, I will agree there is a part of me that wants the distance. It feels a bit like blowing up the cushion before walking the tight rope. The end of me that is seeking this gift, at times greedily, wants to move in and sleep on the floor next to your bed or in between you and Ben! I want to watch how carefully you get in and out of the car and monitor the weight of the groceries you carry. I know this is not an all or nothing situation for behavior but it is difficult to find that balance.
I am most certain that throughout this crazy ride I will be dancing and weaving around that line like a crystal-meth tweaker, hopefully in better shoes though.
The love and appreciation, regardless of outcome, will always be that constant.
Definitely worthy of the praise. :) I am so happy that you both decided to keep a blog of this process. I feel honored to read each entry and be invited into your minds and hearts for this process. The whole experience has been amazing to read about and I am so excited for each new entry! The photos I saw on Facebook were breathtaking and I just started to cry amazed tears. What a fantastic moment in the lives of so many wonderful people.
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