Wow! What a day! This morning we got going so we could be at the Fertility Center at 10am. I was still feeling stunned. Ever since we had the transfer time given to us I've felt a bit sick. Not in a bad way; just overwhelmed.
As usual Kelly and Ben kept us laughing. The nurses were unaware of our situation of Gestational Carrier since it is so unusual in our state. When they called Kelly back they expected her husband but not Matt and I! I chimed in after the nurse called Kelly, "and company!". We kept getting long sided glances and they put Kelly and her husband in a prep area to get her undressed and we were told basically to wait here while it happened and Kelly was quick to dismiss this as was I. They were a bit concerned about putting us all in the procedure room. Ben, God love him, said, "If anyone is going to step out, it's going to be me." He said it so definitively. That for some reason was so touching. I can't express it. It was so gallant. They finally agreed to allow us all into the procedure room as long as we stayed out of the way.
Kelly brought up how she pictured us all around her singing kumbiya. I told her "Crazy Train" might be more appropriate. They actually did have music playing, Enya. We laughed about it and Dr. Young (who is not our normal doctor) said that he thought they had a small selection. He looked and said, "Yes, we have Enya and...Enya".
Kelly is wheeled in and "assumes the position". "Scootch down... a little further...a little further...a little further." It was all very familiar to me, I think the fact that I knew there would be little to no discomfort for Kelly helped. When they brought in the photo of our embryo's and told us how well they graded, I felt a little boost in hope. "Kelly has a healthy body, most importantly, a healthy uterus." "The chances will be good." "The chances will be better with her body." All of these thoughts, statements, plodded through my mind. They were thought definitively. "We have around a 48% chance of 1 baby." "Either way, I will be fine. We will be okay." I tried all the calming technics I had practiced with my therapist. I breathed evenly. I stared at my shanti tattoo (a mantra of peace of the mind, body, and spirit). But when I looked at Kelly, when I felt her thin hand in mine as we watched the embryos move into place, something in me popped. Tears flooded my eyes and I tried to keep them wide, to not blink so they wouldn't spill over. My throat felt thick as Kelly smiled at me and I smiled back at her, though my surgical mask prevented her from seeing it, but I think she knew. I think she saw the gratitude in my eyes; I hope she did.
Everything went smoothly. Kelly did great. She's so brave. I kept looking at the photo of the embryo's as I always end up doing. I still am unsure if it is such a great idea to be given the photo before the pregnancy test is done. It is still hard to see the other photos we have accumulated. It seems a documentation of failure. Though I understand how priceless this picture could be with a positive test, it can also be something of a reminder of pain, of inadequacy, and of desperation.
The wait of 12 days can be remarkalby difficult as one can imagine. To wonder if something is or isn't. Or that it is and isn't all at the same time like Schrodinger's cat theory. I am going to try to throw myself into busy work and embrace distraction.
Keep with us, keep those phalanges crossed, and keep sending up those prayers.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Friday, June 18
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