What a flippin' day! Last night I accidentally took my full dose of medication which keeps me asleep. So this morning when my alarm went off at 6am and I thought I hit snooze, I actually his dismiss. Matt woke me when he got up at 7! Thankfully I showered before I went to bed. The appointment was at 8:30 and I hit really bad construction traffic because I missed the exit that would have taken me around it, then a car hit a deer not to far in front of me and everyone was swerving. It was a total mess.
By the time I actually reached the medical center I was crying. I tried to pull it together going into the office. As I came in Kelly was getting ready. I missed it. Kelly said that she was okay and didn't really need me there, but I wanted to be there. I want to do everything I get to do it this, exactly right. I'm feeling like I've failed right out of the gate.
I really wished Matt had been there with me. He calms me and consoles me well, but he couldn't be. So it was what it was.
Kelly called me around 2:30 saying she'd heard back from the IVF nurse and that we were all set to transfer Friday. I lost it. I cried as she told me how everything had looked great and that she would take the trigger shot tonight and the other meds on Wednesday. (We will find out Wednesday what time things will get going.) I really didn't know what to say, so I just cried. Happy tears, scared tears, what-the-fuck tears, OMG tears, and I'm-a-little-nauseated tears, but mostly, stunned tears.
For so long I've been walking under water, my lungs and body burning for sweet, cold oxygen. With this news, I broke the surface and drew air down deep, panting and gasping. When I finally regained some sense of equilibrium, knowing I had to go back under, I took another breath. It's burning my lungs in a totally new way. They're full of what I need, metaphorical hope maybe, just enough to sustain me.
I've sank back under but with new purpose and determination. My next breath is coming soon. I've made it this far. The issues awaiting me on the surface with my next breath are not easy. They maybe the hardest tests of all, but if the transfer takes, the chains I wear will be a whole lot prettier.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Monday, June 14
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