This past Saturday Matt and I were able to spend sometime with Ben and Kelly and their two hilarious kids. The day was so great. I forgot how relaxing being around Kelly and Ben is. The time and conversation isn't forced or taxing like normal social interactions are for me. It's just, well, easy. I left feeling more content than I had felt in a long time. It was wonderful.
While we were there, Kelly and I discussed how we would receive the news. Who would call who, ect. We decided on having the call come to me first and then I would call Kelly and tell her personally. Kelly reminded me that we would have the results on Tuesday, and when she uttered those words my stomach dropped to my feet and I felt like someone had just smacked me between the eyes. Tuesday. Tuuuueesssdaaaayyyy. Tues. Day. For some reason I had been clinging to the illusion that it was WEDNESDAY. This little fact, this matter of knowing, 24 hours earlier, scared the shit out of me.
I am still reconciling these emotions. I am ready to know. I want to move on to the next phase in our lives which ever it may be, but for some reason, I am afraid. I don't know why. I don't think I felt like this with any of our other procedures. But, yes, this one is different. Completely different, and there are things to fear. But should knowing be one of them? I suppose it's really more the unknown, isn't it?
I have done amazingly well with the Schrodinger's cat/ limbo time, if I do say so myself. I've kept a fairly level head and remained calm. I did try to keep myself busy but distractions frequently interrupted my distractions...oh! Shiny! Recently I think it is manifesting it's self in exhaustion and headaches. My mind seems to be sizzling away the way the synapses are firing. I am feeling more anxious today, knowing that it's all around the corner.
My mom has offered to come over tomorrow to be with me when I get the call. The trouble is, I don't know when that will be. I have class until 2:15 (I'm sure I will retain so much from that class) and then the call will come some time after that. Matt will be at work so in some scenarios in my head, my mother's company would be great but there are other, scenarios in which I would much rather be alone. I don't know. The fact that the house is a mess, may weigh the scales toward the alone side.
Part of me is also worried about Kelly and Ben. I'll hate it if I have to give them bad news, no, not just that I will have to give it to them, just that they will have to receive any at all. I don't want to have them hurt. They have done so much for us. I wish that there is some way that I could cushion them from a negative result. I suppose all I can offer is gratitude, and that exists regardless of the result.
Now, I really, really want a nap but I have to much homework to do.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Monday, June 28
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1 comments:
Oh my goodness! Positive vibes! Positive vibes!
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