Now that we officially have our time. (Friday @ 10:30). I'm feeling a little stunned. It feels a lot like when I had a concussion. I can't really focus on one thing and I look at the clock and see that hours have passed and I have no clue what I've done for that period of time. I'm making my usual lists but rarely marking anything off as done.
I am excited but I'm trying to keep that feeling under wraps so I can keep my emotions realistic. Oddly, mostly, I feel scared. We are leaping from the world of theory and preparation into the possibility of creating a life. Not just creating a life but creating one in a very unconventional way. I know I've said this before but I just don't know what to do here. I'm struggling to find a role, a niche, something familiar and I can't- it does not exist. That powerlessness makes me a little sick to my stomach.
I am also having to rectify some powerful emotions that I expected to feel. The feeling of jealousy. It doesn't feel like the right word but it's as close as I have. There is the feeling of grief, that, if this is to work, someone else will be carrying our baby. That, I will not feel the kicking directly, the infants hiccups, that I won't have even the negative stuff involved with pregnancy like, heart burn, puking, exhaustion, and all the other difficult parts that make up pregnancy as a whole. Matt will never place his hands on my stomach to feel the baby kick, or whisper good nights to our child through my skin. Our baby will not know our voices as it will know Kelly's loving voice. Yes, there is definitely grief. And I have expected its coming.
There is also the fear of if this works. Then what? What are Matt and I going to do with a baby? Jeese, what if we're crappy parents? My nightmare always consists of going about my day and realizing I haven't fed the child all day long and we have nothing but adult food to give! My mind, thankfully, is unable to wrap around the idea of multiples so I'm safe, right now at least, from those fears.
But then there is the fear of the worst case scenario. The case that involves a phone call Thursday night or when we get there Friday morning and they tell us none have survived the thaw or that they all look really crappy and our chances of stick-ability are very, very low.
Unsurprisingly, all these conflicting emotions are making my head spin. I'm exhausted and feeling worthless when it comes to keeping up on my To-Do list. To be absolutely honest, I just want it over with; the transfer and the two week wait, all of it. I want to know definitively so I can move on with the next stage in my life, whatever that may be.
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
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