That was thought after finding out that my husband and I were pregnant with #2. Mind you, we were trying and we thought we'd have 3 kids so why would this be the thought that entered my mind? Here's my rationale: with our first pregnancy we were stupid. All we knew was we wanted a family so we started trying. As soon as you start trying all you focus on (by 'you' I mean the woman because I'm sure the man is just focusing on the next time he can fertilize the field) is finding out if you're pregnant. Because we nailed it the first time there weren't too many emotions to deal with, opportunity for doubt or second guessing. My famous quote/philosophy about marriage, pregnancy, birthing, and raising kids is simply: You don't know until you know; you may think you know - but you don't know. There are only 2 types of reactions to that statement, 1) you're laughing, you get it and you know I'm right...you can think of all the things people said to you about marriage, pregnancy, and kids that you kind of blew off or thought you were sooooo smart and it wouldn't be that way for you and then it was! 2) you have a 'ya right lady' look on your face because you're soooo smart and it won't be that way for you. To that I simply and smugly say: just wait.
Here's another tid-bit about me and hint into my psyche, I have always loved roller coasters and similar rides. On the really big (tall) ones I get a get a little scared when I look at them but it's the scared that gets my adrenaline going or like being challenged or told I can't do something. I ride them and I love them! I walk off the ride, through the exit lanes, laughing and going on about how awesome it was. Somewhere between that conversation and 5 yards out of the exit I get scared. You heard me. Scared. Very rarely ride a second time and certainly not in the same day. Sometimes just walking by and looking up at them gets my stomach all flippy and gets the nerves going. I know what to expect. I know where the drop is that makes your stomach jump into your throat and the turn after which an unforeseeable dark tunnel that mimics what it must be like if your head got cut off suddenly sucks you in only to spit you out blinded by the daylight and the point at which the ride jerks hard enough to cause whiplash - literally.
Since we had been there and done that for 12 months with our first we more experience and knowledge about what we were getting into and not just about the parenting part but also about the Hormone-Charged-Multiple-Personality I would become. Those were reasons enough for me to panic. Again, no nerves about having 2 kids, what that would be like or how that would go, the adjustments we would need to make or that #1 would go through. Experience and knowledge is why we decided to stop at 2 kids. You don't know until you know. We know our limits. (For the record - Ms. Hormone-Charged-Multiple-Personality was not near as prominent in pregnancy #2, however I swear that I lose a little sanity and a little piece of intelligence with each pregnancy. Whether those losses are pregnancy or children has yet to be discovered.)
3 years ago we laughed in relief when we realized that we had each been thinking, and in agreement to, not having #3. Yet - here we are attempting to awaken Ms. Hormone-Charged-Multiple-Personality and sacrifice more sanity and intelligence when truly there is very little to spare these days. This time there is a 6 yr. old and 4 1/2 yr. old and I'm nervous about feeling too tired to swim, play, run all around town looking to replace a stolen bike, taking 5 loads of laundry up and down 2 flights of stairs on Saturday after working Monday - Friday. Not to mention being able to stay awake after the kids go to bed (if I don't have to go before them) so I can talk to my husband for 5 minutes so we don't become strangers. Every pregnancy is different - hormones included. Hormones and I don't get along. My period may be as regular as the seasons but my hormones seem to be as moody as Mother Nature and are in constant turmoil and indecisive about the effect they would like to have on me. To be frank, they're ruthless.
And then there's the possibility of being pregnant with more than 1....which I'm sure there is with every pregnancy to some extent - but unless multiples run in your family, who knows that or thinks about that. Well - now I know. This presents a whole new set of worries to ponder until knowing if my body has welcomed this foreign, formerly frozen genetic material and how many it welcomed.
Rest assured: knowing me, my husband and I agreed, that these feelings would be no different if we were attempting fertilization ourselves, for ourselves, or were "surprised". There is no 2nd guessing occurring. This process has just afforded my obsessive, wild, overactive imagination more time to be obsessive, wild and overactive. Just more time for "Oh boy. What did we just do?"
Little Wonders
For Katy and Matt. May you realize that each step of this is a little wonder, a small miracle. We love you! ~Kelly & Ben
Sunday, April 11
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